10 Superstitions Guaranteed to Make Your Favorite Sports Team Win

1. Find your lucky seat Plop down in a comfortable spot on your couch and make sure you have a solid view of the TV. If your team wins, this is now the seat you will sit in during future games. But if your team loses, you’ll need to find another seat for the next […] The post 10 Superstitions Guaranteed to Make Your Favorite Sports Team Win appeared first on Robot Butt.

10 Superstitions Guaranteed to Make Your Favorite Sports Team Win

1. Find your lucky seat

Plop down in a comfortable spot on your couch and make sure you have a solid view of the TV. If your team wins, this is now the seat you will sit in during future games. But if your team loses, you’ll need to find another seat for the next game, and continue searching until you find the seat that “works.”

2. Find your lucky shirt

When your team wins its first game of the season, take note of the shirt you’re wearing that day. This is now your game-day shirt, and you’ll need to wear it on every game day going forward.

3. Don’t wash your lucky shirt

The luck is in the shirt. Remember when the washer shredded that pair of athletic shorts, cursing your alma mater for life? You don’t want to blame your wife for that, but since she does all the laundry it was kind of her fault. Best to keep this shirt out of the hamper to avoid any mishaps.

4. In fact, don’t wash any of your game-day clothes

It may have been the shirt that brought the luck, but what if it was your pants? Your socks? Your underwear? It’s better to not wash anything. Just in case. Find a little hidey hole to store these precious items until next week!

5. Don’t shave

Ever seen professional athletes grow a “playoff beard?” Why not go all out all season? Your crew cut, your beard, your nose and ear hair. Even those weird little tufts that grow out of your shoulders. Let it all grow wild. The more hair, the more luck. If your wife asks, tell her you lost your trimmers.

6. Pay more attention to your lucky numbers

It’s always been 7, right? Try getting up at 7:07 a.m. on game day. If that doesn’t work, get up at 7:07 a.m. every day. If you accidentally oversleep, go ahead and call in sick to work. It’s best not to get out of bed until 7:07 p.m. at this point, no matter what your damn wife says.

7. Be aware of your actions during the game

Did you notice that when you got up to pee the other team took the lead? Well, you shouldn’t have gotten up. That’s it. No going to the bathroom for the rest of the game – and that includes halftime. You’re going to have to piss in your empty beer bottles. And if the team wins? You gotta leave those bottles exactly as they are until next week. Steal the Glade air freshener from the bathroom and stick it over in the corner so your wife stops searching for the source of the “mysterious basement odor.” This was supposed to be your space, after all!

8. Be aware of your actions at all times

Each and every action you take could be affecting the outcome of this game. Did you remember to turn the oven off after you made nachos? No. But your team won, so now the oven stays on. Tape the knob down so your wife can’t make any changes. Chow down and allow the crunching to drown out her nagging. Let the heat fill your home as you sweat through your lucky clothes.

9. Clear your mind and focus on doing what it takes to secure a win

Visualize your team winning. Don’t think about the fact that someone else in the world who is a fan of the other team may be going through these exact steps right now and canceling you out. Oh, quick – our wife is after those goddamn piss bottles again. Tell her you’re under a lot of pressure right now and it’d be great if she could just give you a break for one fucking second.

10. If your team loses, blame someone else

You did everything right. There’s absolutely no way that something you did caused this loss. Ah, there’s your wife. Of course! This all started when you had to kick that bitch out of your lucky seat. Your team would have won easily if she had stayed off the damn couch and stopped complaining about “that smell” and your body hair. So what if you were in bed until 7 p.m. twice last week? And okay, yes, the kitchen caught fire, but that’s why you have insurance! It’s like you can’t have one fucking thing for yourself around here. Nobody in this whole damn house wants you to be happy!

Repeat as necessary until your team wins the championship. Once victory is secured, call and ask your wife to come back until the next season begins.

The post 10 Superstitions Guaranteed to Make Your Favorite Sports Team Win appeared first on Robot Butt.

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COP26: Morrison’s Payments Cut Due To Not Having Reasonable Reason For Refusing Work

Morrison’s case manager says he is not meeting the mutual obligation requirements for finding work

COP26: Morrison’s Payments Cut Due To Not Having Reasonable Reason For Refusing Work

Scott Morrison’s case manager says he is not meeting the mutual obligation requirements for finding work and will have his payments cut off immediately. It comes after the Sydney man refused to do his job and represent the country at an international climate conference.

The case manager said it was the continuation of a pattern for Mr Morrison, who refused to work for much of 2019 and 2020, despite having several obvious duties to perform.

“We have given Mr Morrison several opportunities to provide leadership functions, as outlined in his job specifications, but he has chosen not to carry out those responsibilities,” the case manager said.

Attention was brought to the languorous leader’s inactions by a series of calls to the ‘Dobseeker’ reporting line. A spokesperson said the Dobseeker hotline had been ‘ringing off the hook’, with reports from disappointed voters across the country that their employee was refusing reasonable work. “He doesn’t hold a hose, he doesn’t speak to woman, he doesn’t run vaccination programs. There’s a lot he doesn’t do”.

Mr Morrison rejected the characterisation of his work ethic, saying, “It is my job to do a job”.

With Matt Harvey @mattharveystuff 

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