$230 Billion In Budget Earmarked For Empathy Training

"This is a national crisis"

$230 Billion In Budget Earmarked For Empathy Training

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg has set aside more than $200 billion dollars in this year’s federal budget for essential empathy training for government MPs.

In his budget speech tonight, Mr Frydenberg is expected to focus on what he is calling a crisis facing ordinary Liberal government workers.

“In 2021, two out of every three government MPs in Australia is living without empathy. That means there are MPs who do not have the emotional capacity to think of anyone but themselves. MPs who – through no fault of their own – do not understand why taking unsolicited photos of women is a creepy. Or why covering up a rape is wrong.

“Mr Speaker, while most Australians take for granted their ability to show concern for other people, for some – especially those in this government – it is something that can only be achieved through expensive training.

“Tonight, Mr Speaker, we will address this crisis by allocating $230 billion to a course run by a mate of mine I went to school with, to allow not just one or two, but all government MPs access to essential empathy training they need to appear human”.

Analysts have confirmed that, without the empathy training line item, the budget would have been in surplus.

Source : The Shovel More   

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I Meant to Give A Romantic Kiss, Not a Dementor’s Kiss

Hoo boy. This is a bad one. Being a Dementor is hard. I really was planning on giving out a romantic kiss and not the Dementor’s Kiss, I swear. I’m telling you, it’s a common mistake to mix up the two.   Although now I’m being told even an unwanted regular kiss is something that’s frowned […] The post I Meant to Give A Romantic Kiss, Not a Dementor’s Kiss appeared first on Robot Butt.

I Meant to Give A Romantic Kiss, Not a Dementor’s Kiss

Hoo boy. This is a bad one. Being a Dementor is hard. I really was planning on giving out a romantic kiss and not the Dementor’s Kiss, I swear. I’m telling you, it’s a common mistake to mix up the two.  

Although now I’m being told even an unwanted regular kiss is something that’s frowned upon. Seriously though, it’s getting harder and harder for a Dementor to do their job. 

The stress of being a Dementor is unimaginable. Here I thought I was improving the image of us by giving out a romantic kiss. But, you never know how a supposedly routine Dementor situation will turn out. That’s why you have to be prepared and rely on your many years of training under your belt. Or cloak, so to speak. 

Administering a Dementor’s Kiss is a complicated process. For me to perform it, I have to pull back my hood, clamp my jaw around the victim’s mouth, and then consume his or her soul. If I want to perform a romantic kiss instead, I need to pull back my hood, clamp my jaw around the victim’s mouth and NOT consume his or her soul. So you can see how much of a challenge this can be in a tense situation. 

Everyone’s an expert until it happens to them. 

I don’t think the answer is more training, though. We don’t need it. Many of us were practically born into this line of work and come from a long line of Dementors who’ve been wearing cloaks for most of their lives, so it comes naturally for us. 

It’s true that the Dementor’s Kiss is normally reserved for the most heinous of crimes, like escaping from Azkaban. In this situation, though, I just forgot to not do the soul-sucking part. 

Actually, I don’t understand why people act all jittery and scared when a Dementor is barking out orders. It’s not like we’re unapproachable or have a history of committing horrifying acts. Sure, we create a freezing atmosphere, have frightening bony features, and hover above the ground like we’re constantly judging you, but honestly we’re just here to protect and serve. 

To be frank, it’s too simple to put all the blame on me. If I were to put my strong, clammy hands around your neck and bring you close enough to where you could smell my putrid breath until you began to hear the death screams of your loved ones, the best thing for you to do is remain calm and follow instructions. 

I’m not here to say this wasn’t a tragic event. Just look at what I’ve already had to go through. I quit my job. I’ve had to put barricades around my home. I may even have to live with the soul I’ve consumed. Isn’t that enough? 

I’d like to say I’m only human, but, well, you know. 

The post I Meant to Give A Romantic Kiss, Not a Dementor’s Kiss appeared first on Robot Butt.

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