After Supreme Court Flip-Flop, Lindsey Graham’s Balls Pass Away

Hours after performing a monumental flip-flop over the nomination of a new Supreme Court justice, Lindsey Graham’s balls have reportedly passed away. “We are saddened over the tragic passage of our brother’s balls,” announced sister Darline Graham Nordone. “While never exactly a profile in courage, we had hoped Lindsey’s testicles might survive the Trump era. […] The post After Supreme Court Flip-Flop, Lindsey Graham’s Balls Pass Away appeared first on The Lucky Rock.

After Supreme Court Flip-Flop, Lindsey Graham’s Balls Pass Away

Hours after performing a monumental flip-flop over the nomination of a new Supreme Court justice, Lindsey Graham’s balls have reportedly passed away.

“We are saddened over the tragic passage of our brother’s balls,” announced sister Darline Graham Nordone. “While never exactly a profile in courage, we had hoped Lindsey’s testicles might survive the Trump era. Sadly, like nearly all the president’s acolytes and toadies, that was not meant to be.”

The old Lindsey Graham

Prior to becoming fully subservient to Donald Trump, the South Carolina senator appeared to posses fully-functional gonads. “Years ago, he stood for things,” remembered Nordone fondly. “Or at least he said he did. Either way, there were times he’d make comments and we’d be like, huh, maybe he has a big, round pair after all.” She smiled at the memory, brushing a lock of hair from her face. “But then he joined the Trump cult. Not long afterward, his balls began to wither away.”

Nordone indicated that the senator’s testicular fortitude was on full display during his previous calls for immigration reform, stand against torture, or his professed willingness to compromise. “Back then, he was basically a halfway decent human being, albeit a dumbass,” she reminisced. “Now, he’s nothing more than a ball-less piece of shit.”

The new Lindsey Graham

After being defeated by Donald Trump in the 2016 Republican primaries, Graham quickly marched to the front of the line of the Trump cult. “Lindsey’s urologist told us that within weeks of his hopping aboard the Trump train, his testicles began to shrink,” Nordone said. “He’d say to him, ‘hey Lindsey, do you realize that your balls are shrinking?’ As his abject devotion to the president grew, the mass of his gonads diminished proportionally.”  She offered a wan smile, sighing deeply. “Toward the end, they were like a couple of leftover raisins at the bottom of an empty cereal box buried deep inside a landfill.”

Ironically, Graham’s testicular shrinkage was frequently mocked by Trump. “A few years back, Lindsey obsequiously lavished praise upon Trump, calling for him to receive a Nobel Peace Price. Trump turned to him and quipped in front of the crowd, ‘Hey, Lindsey, maybe I’ll nominate you for a No-Ball Peace Prize, how about that folks?”

Credit: giphy.com

Supreme Court ball death

The passing of Lindsey Graham’s testicles came shortly after his stunning reversal on Supreme Court nominations in the year before presidential elections. “When Obama nominated Merrick Garland in 2016, Lindsey and the other asshats invented completely fake justifications to thwart his confirmation,” said Nordone, shaking her head. “After the passing of Ruth Bader Ginsburg four years later, they reversed themselves, arguing the exact opposite position.”

She raised an eyebrow at the blatant hypocrisy. “His testicles simply couldn’t take it anymore,” she sighed. “It was like Lindsey’s balls kicked themselves in the balls. At approximately 9:03 last night, our dear brother’s testicles passed away.”

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