Liverpool sold Loris Karius ages ago, right? And Yannick Bolasie retired due to injury in 2019. Hold on…
ARSENAL – Mo Elneny
Last actually played for Arsenal: As recently as the final day of the 2018/19 season, but that is also basically now about 200 years ago. Played the full 90 as Burnley were pointlessly dispatched 3-1 after the Gunners had already spectacularly blown their hopes of a top-four finish by taking one point in a run of four games against Crystal Palace, Wolves, Leicester and Brighton.
Last seen: Scoring a late penalty on the final day of the Super Lig season to register his first/last goal for Besiktas at the end of what was a perfectly serviceable loan spell, having overcome the trifling setback of getting sent off and picking up a three-match suspension on debut.
ASTON VILLA – Scott Hogan
Last actually played for Aston Villa: In a 3-0 FA Cup third-round defeat to Swansea in January 2019.
Last seen: Scoring seven goals across the city in a season-long loan at Birmingham, where his final game for the club coincided with Jude Bellingham’s. Reports that Brum will retire his number 40 shirt are still to be confirmed.
BRIGHTON – Jose Izquierdo
Last actually played for Brighton: In a 1-1 draw with Newcastle back in April 2019, 10 months and three aborted comebacks after initially injuring his knee at the 2018 World Cup with Colombia. It was belatedly decided to operate, with local paper reporting the surgery was “not expected to sideline Izquierdo for a sustained period”.
Last seen: Undergoing another knee operation – his third in what has now become 18 months out of the game. We’re calling that a ‘sustained period’. Poor bastard.
BURNLEY – Ben Gibson
Last actually played for Burnley: Captaining the side to a 3-1 Carabao Cup second round defeat last August.
Last seen: Sat unused on the bench for a 3-0 defeat to Chelsea in January. In two seasons he has started precisely one Premier League game – a 5-1 defeat to Everton – and been on the bench for a further 34. He has not been required on any of those 34 occasions. He has two years left on his contract.
CHELSEA – Victor Moses
Last actually played for Chelsea: A crucial 33-minute appearance off the bench to help Chelsea complete a 3-1 Europa League group stage win over BATE in October 2018.
Last seen: A crucial nine-minute appearance off the bench to help Inter complete a 5-0 Europa League semi-final win over Shakhtar the other night.
CRYSTAL PALACE – Jaroslaw Jach
Last actually played for Crystal Palace: Never. He has never played for Crystal Palace, two-and-a-half years after signing from Zaglebie Lubin
Last seen: Playing 24 Ekstraklasa games on loan for Rakow back in Poland.
EVERTON – Yannick Bolasie
Last actually played for Everton: May 2018 under Sam Allardyce, .
Last seen: Scoring one league goal in 14 games on loan at Sporting and tweeting about training as he approaches what is, at least in theory and at time of writing, the final year of his time at Everton who, for their part, are desperately attempting to recoup any tiny sliver of the £25m they shelled out for him four years ago.
FULHAM – Jean Seri
Last actually played for Fulham: In a 1-0 win at Bournemouth in April 2019, the middle of three straight wins that sadly didn’t manage to save Fulham from relegation due to the 11 defeats that surrounded them.
Last seen: Helping two-time defending Turkish Super Lig champions Galatasaray to a disappointing sixth-place finish.
LEEDS – Ouasim Bouy
Last actually played for Leeds: Never. Bouy has made a sum total of zero Leeds appearances since joining from Juventus, for whom he made one Coppa Italia appearance. That remains the only senior non-loan appearance of his career. He is 27 years old.
Last seen: On with Eredivisie side Zwolle in the 2018/19 season. This Bouy is sinking.
LEICESTER – Islam Slimani
Last actually played for Leicester: In a 2-0 FA Cup win against Fleetwood in January 2018. Actually scored on what currently stands – and, let’s be realistic, always will – as his final Premier League game for the Foxes, a 3-0 success against Huddersfield a fortnight earlier. What a send-off.
Last seen: On loan with fellow Foxes outcast yet still technically current squad member Adrien Silva (last actually played for Leicester: EFL Cup, November 2018).
LIVERPOOL – Loris Karius
Last actually played for Liverpool: when he last actually played for Liverpool. Which I guess means he isn’t really forgotten. But you’d probably forgotten he was still technically there, right? What do you mean “No”? All right, smartarse.
Last seen: Trying to forget when he last actually played for Liverpool in a couple of loan seasons at Besiktas.
MANCHESTER CITY – Marlos Moreno
Last actually played for Manchester City: Has never, will never. Is however now a veteran of five separate loan deals.
Last seen: Making 16 middling appearances on loan for Portimonense in Portugal. Hard to see what’s next, really. Hasn’t even worked as a City “Buy, never pick, loan, sell at profit” project.
MANCHESTER UNITED – Chris Smalling
Last actually played for Manchester United: In a 2-0 season-closing defeat to Cardiff back in May 2019
Last seen: On loan at Roma, where he still hopes to end up on a more permanent basis if and when the Italians cough up the 20 million big ones Manchester United are after.
NEWCASTLE – Henri Saivet
Last actually played for Newcastle: The last of his five Premier League appearances was his only one of the 2017/18 season, and also the only one of his three league starts for Newcastle where he made it past the hour mark, lasting a full 84 minutes of a 3-2 win against West Ham. He scored as well, obviously, because football is just that stupid. Had a couple of FA Cup runouts the following month and that was that.
Last seen: After loans at St Etienne, Sivasspor and Bursaspor, Henri has apparently decided to just sit tight and bag the cash from the last two years of what it turns out was a rather stupidly generous five-and-a-half-year contract. He’s currently halfway through that two-year paid vacation and showing no inclination to cut it short. Fair play.
SHEFFIELD UNITED – Kean Bryan
Last actually played for Sheffield United: An FA Cup appearance as recently as this actual year means we may have to affect amnesia to make it stick, but the fact remains that it’s been over two years since a now 23-year-old Bryan joined from Manchester City and he is still yet to play a league minute for the club having only made two matchday squads in the Championship and none in the top flight.
Last seen: On a shortened pre-lockdown loan spell with Bolton.
SOUTHAMPTON – Guido Carrillo
Last actually played for Southampton: In the last seven minutes of a 3-0 tonking at West Ham in March 2018, two months and zero goals after the Saints handed over 20 million actual pounds for him.
Last seen: Pulling up very few trees in a couple of loan seasons at Leganes. Did score three goals in the Copa del Rey last season, mind, so it’s not been a complete shambles.
TOTTENHAM – Juan Foyth
Last actually played for Tottenham: Ridiculously, this is now actually stupidly hard to do for a club that pretty much defines this concept. Last year, Steady was even able to be hipster enough to overlook the charms of Georges-Kevin N’Koudou and Vincent Janssen in favour of Josh Onomah. All gone now. Even Danny Rose has played for Spurs this year. Foyth played as recently as December (albeit disastrously enough that he had to be hauled off at half-time against Norwich) yet, mad as it sounds, that’s him in. Whatever else they’ve got wrong – and it’s plenty – Spurs are, at long last, cleaning house.
Last seen: Sitting on the socially-distanced bench watching a 3-0 win over Leicester last month.
WEST BROM – Sam Field
Last actually played for West Brom: A player with 11 Premier League starts for the Baggies going back to 2016 hasn’t been seen in their colours since the final day of the regular Championship season in 2019.
Last seen: On loan at Charlton, watching West Brom’s latest promotion to the Premier League from afar.
WEST HAM – Jordan Hugill
Last actually played for West Ham: When making the last of his three brief substitute appearances in David Moyes’ previous Hammers stint. Played the last 10 minutes of a 3-0 win over Southampton in March 2018, making up almost half his 22 total minutes of West Ham first-team action. Still has two years on his contract.
Last seen: Scoring a respectable enough 15 goals in a season-long loan at QPR in the Championship which, with no malice or snark, we must conclude is his level.
WOLVES – Roderick Miranda
Last actually played for Wolves: On the final day of the 2017/18 promotion season, an auspicious occasion inexplicably marked by a 3-0 defeat to Sunderland, who had themselves also succeeded in getting out of the Championship.
Last seen: On loan back in Portugal with FC Familicao, who finished a very decent sixth in their first top-flight season since 1994.
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