Biden makes VP choice

WILMINGTON, DE – After weeks of speculation, presidential nominee Joe Biden has finally made a decision about the vice presidential nominee that will join him at the top of the ticket in […] The post Biden makes VP choice appeared first on BeetPress Satire.

Biden makes VP choice

WILMINGTON, DE – After weeks of speculation, presidential nominee Joe Biden has finally made a decision about the vice presidential nominee that will join him at the top of the ticket in November.

“We’ve been poring over an extensive list of highly qualified candidates for vice president, and we’re excited to announce that we’ve made a decision,” said Biden communication director Kate Bedingfield, adding “this person encapsulates all of the qualities we were looking for, and will add a ton of excitement to our campaign.”

According to sources, Biden has been considering several women of color for the job, including Kamala Harris, Susan Rice, Tammy Duckworth, and Karen Bass. However, rumors have circulated that Biden may choose Elizabeth Warren in an effort to consolidate the support of progressives around his campaign.

“This must have been a tough choice for Biden, but I’m confident that he made the right decision,” said Biden supporter Heidi Rosenblum. “There’s valid concern about Biden’s age and ability to govern the nation for the next four years, so his choice for vice must be ready to step in to the presidency on day one.”

Although he planned to announce his decision on August 1st, the Biden campaign issued a statement late Saturday that he needed a little more time to ensure that he had made the correct choice.

“Trust me, it was worth the wait, and we have every confidence that this candidate will garner much needed enthusiasm as we head into the general election,” said Bedingfield. “Our top priority is defeating Trump in November, and I think this is the ticket that’s going to push us over the edge in terms of the popular vote, and the electoral college vote. This won’t be a repeat of 2016.”

This article is part one of a two-part series. Please stay tuned for part two, which will be published on Saturday, August 8th.

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Tips for Picking Up a New Quarantine Hobby

This pandemic is putting us all through some tough stuff, folks. I, like many people, have been furloughed from my job and now have to stay inside with nothing to do and no one to talk to. The boredom, isolation, and hopelessness can be psychologically devastating. But there’s no reason for despair! A lot of […] The post Tips for Picking Up a New Quarantine Hobby appeared first on Robot Butt.

Tips for Picking Up a New Quarantine Hobby

This pandemic is putting us all through some tough stuff, folks. I, like many people, have been furloughed from my job and now have to stay inside with nothing to do and no one to talk to. The boredom, isolation, and hopelessness can be psychologically devastating.

But there’s no reason for despair! A lot of us have found a sort of silver lining in the opportunity to nurture new hobbies, creative outlets, and other interests.

Take me, for example. Back in mid-March, when it became evident that I wasn’t going back to work for a while, I decided I was going to read all the classic novels that I’d never had time for. The longer the better; who knew when I was going to have this much free time again? I went to Amazon and ordered some thick ol’ tomes: War and Peace, In Search of Lost Time, Gravity’s Rainbow, My Struggle. 

Some time after that, I was starting up my third rewatch of Chuck when I saw my elderly neighbor, coincidentally also named Chuck, poking around my trash cans outside. I opened my window a crack and asked what was the matter. He said I’d left my trash cans on the curb for a full two days after trash day and I was making the neighborhood look like a shantytown.  I tried to apologize, but Chuck wouldn’t hear of it, threatening to call the homeowner’s association on me, and I just got so fed up I picked up a copy of Infinite Jest and chucked it out the window at him.  

The book struck him square in the head, right on the corner. That was a hardcover edition with nearly 1,100 pages and Chuck was clearly a goner. I decided the best thing was to put him out of his misery, which I accomplished with a double-tap from 2666. As soon as the life left Chuck’s body I felt a strange sort of elation. Maybe it was simply the fact that I’d been trapped powerless in my house for weeks, and snuffing the light out of Chuck’s eyes gave me the sense of control that I craved.

One thing was for certain, though: I was hooked!  

If you, like me, have picked up a new interest in quarantine – whether it’s baking, knitting, Pilates, or murder – here are some tips from yours truly! 

Start small. I know it’s tempting to just dive in when you’re just starting out, but it’s important to keep things in perspective. This pandemic won’t last forever, and you’ve got your whole life left to practice your new hobby! 

Take it from me: only a month in, I decided I was going to kill a whole family (I know, right?). I staked them out for weeks, followed the mom home from the grocery store, I had her husband and two kids in the dining room where I’d planned, I let the dog out the back door so it wouldn’t bark and then – would you ever believe it? – I got there and they were on a Zoom call with Grandma, who spotted me sneaking up behind them! Zeal is no substitute for experience, guys. Don’t hurt yourselves. 

Make use of online resources. I know a lot of people wouldn’t have been able to make it through this quarantine without the Internet. No matter what your interest is, there’s an unimaginable wealth of message boards, YouTube videos, and social media communities that’ll help you get started and answer any questions you might have along the way.  

I myself found this guy on YouTube who makes the most amazing videos filled with stuff I never knew. Like, did you know if you have a pentangular garden plot like I do, there’s a demon living underneath it that needs to be sated with blood constantly or it’ll break free? He’s full of helpful tips, too, like how to make flyers for fake businesses that you can use to see how often people check their mail, or how long it takes for blood to coagulate to the point where you can move a body without leaving a trail. The craziest part is, his name is my name spelled backwards! (No, you don’t get to know what my name is – not making that mistake again!) 

Use the pandemic conditions to your advantage. A friend of mine, Pedro, mentioned to me that he started skateboarding. Can you imagine that? The dude’s forty-one and hasn’t ever skateboarded in his life. What he said gave him the courage was the fact that the skate park was more or less totally deserted, meaning he could skate around to his heart’s content without worrying about looking foolish. That gave him the confidence he needed to get skilled in a very short time. Of course, don’t tell that to Pedro’s family – they think he fell down a concrete stairwell because he lost control of his longboard!  

Like Pedro, I find the subdued activity in my neighborhood really helpful.  A lot of people whose absence from work or school would be noticed under normal conditions can now just disappear for months before anyone calls the authorities! Moreover, did you know that an N95 mask both conceals your identity and filters out some mild sedatives? Did you know that the higher-alcohol blends of hand sanitizer both help get bloodstains out of your car’s upholstery and do wonders toward covering up that “corpsey” odor?  

So you see, there’s no need for despair (save that for my basement!). The world outside may be scary, but if you open yourself up to new experiences, you might just look back on this pandemic as the most fulfilling period of your whole life. I encourage you to try – you may never get another opportunity like this. Particularly if you live near me!

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