BREAKING: Urgent Care Owners Losing Money Lie in Attempt to Regain Income

Bakersfield, CA – Two physicians who don’t actually work in Emergency Rooms or at real hospitals have recently made waves with a youtube video and subsequent interviews where they claim to know more about COVID19 than Dr. Fauci and every other physician actually working in ER’s and hospitals across the world. The two bumbling entrepreneurs, who are clearly motivated by their lost revenue, claim that COVID19 is overplayed and not even as dangerous as the regular influenza despite having less evidence to support this claim than Joint Commission has to support the banning of open drinks from work stations. Continue reading BREAKING: Urgent Care Owners Losing Money Lie in Attempt to Regain Income at GomerBlog.

BREAKING: Urgent Care Owners Losing Money Lie in Attempt to Regain Income

Bakersfield, CA – Two physicians who don’t actually work in Emergency Rooms or at real hospitals have recently made waves with a youtube video and subsequent interviews where they claim to know more about COVID19 than Dr. Fauci and every other physician actually working in ER’s and hospitals across the world.

The two bumbling entrepreneurs, who are clearly motivated by their lost revenue, claim that COVID19 is overplayed and not even as dangerous as the regular influenza despite having less evidence to support this claim than Joint Commission has to support the banning of open drinks from work stations.

Drs. Daniel Erickson and Artin Massihi claim that at their urgent care clinics, they have performed 5,000 tests (roughly 0.001% of the nation, or the same percent of workers in the US who make over $60 million a year). Based on this thorough non-random analysis and some proprietary calculations performed on a Denny’s napkin, Dr. Erickson and Dr. Massihi claim they have proven that COVID19 is safe and that we should re-open the economy. Fortunately, they’ve arbitrarily that their minuscule sample from cities that encompass less than 1/40th the population of California is representative of the entire US including urban areas.

“I’ll be honest, the reason we won’t publish our findings or let anyone see the Denny’s napkin they’re written on is because it’s really shoddy math and we fudged a TON of numbers. We’re down several hundred thousand dollars in revenue from this damn virus and we desperately need the money. My Mazeratti payment is due May 1st.” Erickson admitted.

Massihi added, “We have a veritable army of undertrained midlevels and one doctor ready to prescribe antibiotics and narcotics for anyone who wants them. Literally walk in and say that you want an antibiotic for a cough you’ve had since lunch and once your payment clears, you’ve got it! But we can’t provide this very lucrative service because of social distancing! Come on Trump and Newsome, let people come get meds they don’t need! My caviar stock is down to 3 days!!!!”

Unfortunately for Massihi, Erickson and their bank accounts, the American College of Emergency Physicians and American Academy of Emergency Medicine released a joint statement condemning their claims as “reckless and untested musings” and “frankly complete bullshit.”

Erickson was disappointed but states he understands the ACEP and AAEM statements, “They’re basing their opinions off of data and the experiences of thousands of hard-working doctors who actually are working in real ER’s and real hospitals, not the desperate scheming of 2 guys who have spent more time in hair salons than in high acuity patient care this year.”

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Jared Kushner Suggests 574 State Solution to Combat Coronavirus in Israel and Palestine

Earlier today, human doll and senior advisor to father-in-law President Trump, Jared Kushner announced a new plan to divide Israel and Palestine into 574 city-states to ensure social distancing during this novel coronavirus pandemic. Kushner, also a well-respected thinker on Israeli-Palestinian affairs, having read 25 whole books on the protracted conflict, is also the current The post Jared Kushner Suggests 574 State Solution to Combat Coronavirus in Israel and Palestine appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

Jared Kushner Suggests 574 State Solution to Combat Coronavirus in Israel and Palestine

Earlier today, human doll and senior advisor to father-in-law President Trump, Jared Kushner announced a new plan to divide Israel and Palestine into 574 city-states to ensure social distancing during this novel coronavirus pandemic. Kushner, also a well-respected thinker on Israeli-Palestinian affairs, having read 25 whole books on the protracted conflict, is also the current pandemic tsar.

“The science on the issue is clear,” said Kushner earlier. “We can only combat the virus effectively if we adopt social distancing measures. Is there anything more effective than distancing every single city from the other? Once the virus is over, then we can decide what happens but right now we have to focus on what’s important: beating this virus by using methods that science proves to be effective and making my in-laws proud.”

It is noteworthy that Kushner was not tasked with advising on pandemic policy in the region. “No one told me to formulate this plan,” said Kushner. “But also, no one told me not to do it, and my job description is pretty vague. It allows for this kind of creativity.”

Kushner’s plan came drew criticism from his Democratic opponents in the states. “That is simply not enough states,” commented the very long serving Senator Bernie Sanders. “There are millions and millions of people in the area, and we are only guaranteeing a mayoral position for 574 people? It is very unfair. Everyone should play an equal role, otherwise we’re fall right back into the typical imbalance of power, with power only in the hands of a select few rather than the collective.

Kushner’s plan was welcomed by Palestinian leaders. “We are already divided into over 200 groups,” claimed Palestinian Authority Chairman, Mahmoud Abbas. “Why not just give each of them a state?”

At the same time, Netanyahu was clearly dismayed by Kushner’s plan. One of the Prime Minister’s aides said he was last seen slamming his office door closed. “We’re pretty sure we heard something about ‘King of Israel’ but honestly, with all of the yelling and choking on cigar smoke, it was really hard to make out what he was saying.”

The post Jared Kushner Suggests 574 State Solution to Combat Coronavirus in Israel and Palestine appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

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