Bronwyn Lavender, KwaZulu-Natal: Lockdown ramblings of a cynic

'I can imagine them all just sitting around studying George Orwell novels, thinking how best to adapt them to our lives.'

Bronwyn Lavender, KwaZulu-Natal: Lockdown ramblings of a cynic

Dear ‘rona (are you a man or a woman?)

It’s me again. I guess I’m writing because you didn’t go anywhere.

We have to stop meeting like this, you really are ruining stuff, hey. I’ve been in hospital a couple of days now after surgery and because of you, no one can come visit the sick or dying.

You are very popular, your name is on everything, everywhere. Luckily you haven’t found your way into my nasal cavity yet…but you’re a golden ticket in here. Everyone has to prove that they haven’t met you.

Uncle Cyril on the box

Anyway, enough about me and my worries. How are you doing? Did you catch Uncle Cyril last night on the box?

You must’ve, he timed it when you aren’t working, remember? Between 19.00 and 05.00 when you just Netflix and chill, right? Catch a snooze? Do you belong to a union yet? Hope you are getting paid overtime for your 11-hour shift? If not, you are welcome to resign and go find another job. Or immigrate.

Same song: Wash your hands, sneeze into your elbow…

If you didn’t catch NDZ’s [Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma] deputy last night, then you didn’t miss much. All he did was say the same thing he has been saying for the last 5 049 days: Wash your hands, sneeze into your elbow and don’t hug or love anyone.

We have now become sterilised, “elbow-snot covered” haters. We will be like this for a while he said, long after lockdown ends.
So your cousins and nephews can pull in and get us too soon enough. Hell, bring them all, we are ripe for the taking after all the sanitising.

Pension for a packet of Pall Malls

He was so vague last night about lifting the ciggie ban. There were a few moments I thought he had grown a pair of balls and was going to say something like “Listen, my fellow South Africans…I am still your ruler, and I’m still the boss. So, from tomorrow you can have your vape pens back, you can smoke your zols – but please, try not to share them”.

Surely he must have heard the stories of people paying their entire pensions just for a packet of Pall Malls? Then not having much to survive on for the rest of the month? Tsk-tsk-tsk…

A matter of trust: At that price, we won’t be sharing our smokes

All they have to do is treat us like the adults we are. You trust us enough to wash our hands, not spray snot all over each other and to stand apart, but you can’t trust us enough to not share cigarettes? At that price I’m not sharing with anyone!

But we will see what the brainless National Corona Command Council (NCCC) have to come up with in the next few days, and their “Supreme Leader” NZD will say.

Fashion advice from Gupta-like Patel?

Her Gupta-like Ebrahim Patel connection has been at it again. Yesterday he told us how we can and can’t dress, what we can and can’t buy. Like, seriously, I’m not taking fashion advice from someone who looks like they would be comfortable in Mordor.

This mind control is getting ridiculous now. I’m sure you are having a massive laugh at all this stupidity. I think there’s a lot of guessing, thumb-sucking and thinking going on within the NCCC. I can imagine them all just sitting around studying George Orwell novels, thinking how best to adapt them to our lives. KGB 1980s Soviet Russia has nothing on SAPS 2020 ANC-lead South Africa.

Perhaps Trump is right, some people (especially those on the NCCC) should be drinking disinfectant to cure them from you.

Rise up and say: Enough is enough

South Africans need to rise up. We need to say enough. Enough is Enough. But some would just settle for their jobs back, not to lose their house or car, and not to be treated like children anymore!

Till next time, dude, peace. Remember, you have to follow the flattened curve now, don’t stray off that or some rent-a-cops from Ballito will come to arrest you.

Cheers, Bronwyn

Source : The South African More   

What's Your Reaction?

like
0
dislike
0
love
0
funny
0
angry
0
sad
0
wow
0

Next Article

How clean is your data really?

(Partner Content) With so many companies sitting with tons of big data it is imperative that a company ensures that they have clean data. Take a look at this expert advice on how to approach the situation as a business owner.

How clean is your data really?

Turning your data into an asset is important as it gives us unprecedented insights and opportunities across all industries from healthcare to manufacturing to financial services to name a few. It is needless to say that big data is a common feature, for both in small as well as big businesses. However, the greater potential of big data is rather elusive and still not highly prioritised. 

The truth is due to legacy systems and accumulating of big and ‘dirty’ data, prioritising data projects can be seen as a long winded and a costly journey. For companies with such challenges, data cannot always be used as it is and needs preparation in a way so that it can be seen as an asset, this exercise can be a manual process that progresses slowly, be tedious and show no immediate value. This is where the importance of data cleaning comes in as it plays such a significant role in the journey of understanding customers behaviour better, and making calculated decisions. The exercise is considered to be a challenge due to the already high and increasing volume, variety and velocity of data in several databases, applications and in physical documents.

What are the benefits of tidying up big data?

With a lot of company’s data being traditionally messy due to legacy challenges the exercise of data cleaning can get costly when left unattended for a long time and, therefore, the significance of investing in a data journey that benefits business becomes futile. The first step to a data journey that benefits a business is getting the data clean, cleaning the data is a procedure of correcting or removing inaccurate and corrupt data. This process is crucial and emphasized and if not done can lead to a lot of problems for companies such as: 

  • It can lead to uninformed business decisions or 
  • Affect client records and profiles;
  • under serving clients due to lack of one view of a client
  • failure to maximise opportunities

There are businesses who have lost a huge amount of money due to big yet bad data. Data cleansing can filter out incorrect data, structures the data, enriches it with accurate data and ultimately preparing useful information to benefit businesses. Inaccurate data usually includes duplicate records, missing or incorrect information and poorly formatted data sets. A business that invests in enriching their data records can be useful for existing and new business use-cases that result in multiple benefits. While what data gets enriched depends on the discretion of the business needs, some basic points like fixing outdated data or details that are not verified can go a long way in unlocking opportunities for businesses.

Better quality data impacts every activity that includes better decision making. Almost all modern business processes involve data. Subsequently, when data cleaning is seen as an important organisational effort, it can lead to a wide range of benefits for all. Some of the biggest advantages include:

  • Streamlined business practices: Imagine if there are no duplicates, errors, or inconsistencies in any of your records. How much more efficient would all of your key daily activities become?
  • Increased productivity: Being able to focus on key work tasks instead of finding the right data or having to make corrections because of incorrect data is essential. Having access to clean high quality data, with the help of effective knowledge management can be a game changer.
  • Faster sales cycle: Marketing decisions using data can sharpen a business’s approach to what to sell, who to sell to and how to sell to customers. Giving your marketing department the best quality data possible means better and more leads for your sales team to convert. The same concept applies to B2C relationships too!
  • Better decisions: We touched on this before, but it’s important enough that it’s worth repeating. Better data equals better informed decision making.

How should a company approach this challenge?

This is where Khonology comes in – we believe that you use data to rationalize the irrational and enhance the qualitative views of business decisions. The only way you can do that is understand the granularity of the data which allows us to advise with conviction and substantiate the context. We believe that instead of applying a one-size-fits-all technique which might even have the highest success rate, we need to understand what customers are trying to solve for and apply bespoke thinking with befitted data and digital tools to provide scalable, feasible and effective solutions. The reason for our approach is that we find that not all problems are the same. For example, a regulation challenge at one company can be different to the next – it might be the same by principle but the actual data will reveal what the challenges are. For example: Two banks happen to both face a regulation challenge. Bank A doesn’t have its tax identity numbers and Bank B’s clients give false information and the only way to know this is to understand and be led by the data that is available. 

Good data generally leads to a business having a better bottom line. This is not only because of better external sales efforts, but also because of more efficient internal efforts and operations driven by optimised solutions using Machine Learning, RPA, Data Science and Digitisation techniques, all of which have a massive underlying component of good quality and clean data. 

Having data that is of good integrity can evolve to having a well-defined digitisation journey, it allows for digital solutions that are custom and purposefully engineered to help businesses function optimally, improve service delivery, maximise profitability and gain or retain their competitive edge, both locally and globally. Unlike other companies who advise a company first such as going to a company and applying a one-size fits all solution based on previous success. We operate slightly differently as we are able to deliver a 360-degree solution that includes understanding the end to end processes, the data and it’s flow, the people involved and what platforms are necessary to empower the overall operations.

By doing so, we believe to maximise our clients’ lifetime value and assist them in competing with industry disruptors; we can increase business agility, convert hindsight to foresight that unlocks new opportunities and thirdly can reduce exposure to regulatory sanctions protecting the companies brand from reputational risks associated with fraud and corruption.

Source : The South African More   

This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse the site you are agreeing to our use of cookies.