Bronwyn Lavender, KwaZulu-Natal: Lockdown ramblings of a cynic
'I can imagine them all just sitting around studying George Orwell novels, thinking how best to adapt them to our lives.'
Dear ‘rona (are you a man or a woman?)
It’s me again. I guess I’m writing because you didn’t go anywhere.
We have to stop meeting like this, you really are ruining stuff, hey. I’ve been in hospital a couple of days now after surgery and because of you, no one can come visit the sick or dying.
You are very popular, your name is on everything, everywhere. Luckily you haven’t found your way into my nasal cavity yet…but you’re a golden ticket in here. Everyone has to prove that they haven’t met you.
Uncle Cyril on the box
Anyway, enough about me and my worries. How are you doing? Did you catch Uncle Cyril last night on the box?
You must’ve, he timed it when you aren’t working, remember? Between 19.00 and 05.00 when you just Netflix and chill, right? Catch a snooze? Do you belong to a union yet? Hope you are getting paid overtime for your 11-hour shift? If not, you are welcome to resign and go find another job. Or immigrate.
Same song: Wash your hands, sneeze into your elbow…
If you didn’t catch NDZ’s [Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma] deputy last night, then you didn’t miss much. All he did was say the same thing he has been saying for the last 5 049 days: Wash your hands, sneeze into your elbow and don’t hug or love anyone.
We have now become sterilised, “elbow-snot covered” haters. We will be like this for a while he said, long after lockdown ends.
So your cousins and nephews can pull in and get us too soon enough. Hell, bring them all, we are ripe for the taking after all the sanitising.
Pension for a packet of Pall Malls
He was so vague last night about lifting the ciggie ban. There were a few moments I thought he had grown a pair of balls and was going to say something like “Listen, my fellow South Africans…I am still your ruler, and I’m still the boss. So, from tomorrow you can have your vape pens back, you can smoke your zols – but please, try not to share them”.
Surely he must have heard the stories of people paying their entire pensions just for a packet of Pall Malls? Then not having much to survive on for the rest of the month? Tsk-tsk-tsk…
A matter of trust: At that price, we won’t be sharing our smokes
All they have to do is treat us like the adults we are. You trust us enough to wash our hands, not spray snot all over each other and to stand apart, but you can’t trust us enough to not share cigarettes? At that price I’m not sharing with anyone!
But we will see what the brainless National Corona Command Council (NCCC) have to come up with in the next few days, and their “Supreme Leader” NZD will say.
Fashion advice from Gupta-like Patel?
Her Gupta-like Ebrahim Patel connection has been at it again. Yesterday he told us how we can and can’t dress, what we can and can’t buy. Like, seriously, I’m not taking fashion advice from someone who looks like they would be comfortable in Mordor.
This mind control is getting ridiculous now. I’m sure you are having a massive laugh at all this stupidity. I think there’s a lot of guessing, thumb-sucking and thinking going on within the NCCC. I can imagine them all just sitting around studying George Orwell novels, thinking how best to adapt them to our lives. KGB 1980s Soviet Russia has nothing on SAPS 2020 ANC-lead South Africa.
Perhaps Trump is right, some people (especially those on the NCCC) should be drinking disinfectant to cure them from you.
Rise up and say: Enough is enough
South Africans need to rise up. We need to say enough. Enough is Enough. But some would just settle for their jobs back, not to lose their house or car, and not to be treated like children anymore!
Till next time, dude, peace. Remember, you have to follow the flattened curve now, don’t stray off that or some rent-a-cops from Ballito will come to arrest you.