Excerpts From Normal Werewolf: The ’60 Minutes’ Interview

Is this thing on? Test one, two. Still nothing? Yeah, I think the mic’s stuck in my fur. That may be what’s cutting it out. Would you rather I do it? You seem hesitant to approach me. We’re not like the stereotypes, you know. The Big Bad Wolf is a fairy tale, you do know […] The post Excerpts From Normal Werewolf: The ’60 Minutes’ Interview appeared first on Robot Butt.

Excerpts From Normal Werewolf: The ’60 Minutes’ Interview

Is this thing on? Test one, two. Still nothing? Yeah, I think the mic’s stuck in my fur. That may be what’s cutting it out.

Would you rather I do it? You seem hesitant to approach me. We’re not like the stereotypes, you know. The Big Bad Wolf is a fairy tale, you do know that? And we didn’t have to do this interview during lunar cycle. You guys called me, okay?

It’s fine. Just tell me where you want the mic placed. Does it matter if it shows on my collar?

***

Yes, I’m Harold. And, yes, I do prefer Harold, not the other option, for obvious reasons. My parents have an innate sense of irony. I don’t think they knew what I was before they named me. Ultrasound technology only goes so far, I guess.

Anyways, I’ve been a werewolf ever since I was born and, contrary to belief, I live a pretty normal life. So many think we’re monsters to be feared. Just the other day, first day of the cycle, some machismo said to me at the gym, “Dude, are you for real?”

And I’m like, “I have just as much right to be here as anybody else.”

As creatures, we’re just now starting to venture out into society. It’s just a few days a month. Sure, our bodies change: we grow fur, a snout, longer ears, claws, longer fangs. But these are just bodily changes  – we don’t actually harm anyone. 

We’re not like the labels in horror movies. I can think of others who go through bodily changes a few days a month. It doesn’t adversely affect society. This is no different.

***

Sure, I try to avoid certain social settings. Like right now, since I’m showing everything, as you can see. These clothes I’m wearing are my special wardrobe just for my morphed bone structure and to accommodate all the excess hair.

I try to avoid places like daycares, movie theaters, theme parks. Any place where children are around. It was bad enough when I first saw myself in the mirror as a kid. My first full moon, where I was at a point to notice, I just broke down crying.

My parents had to hide the scissors and razors, because even at such a young age, I wanted to shave it all off. When I got old enough to get around them, I learned that it doesn’t work. You’ve seen Tim Allen in The Santa Clause where he shaves in front of the mirror. Yeah, it’s like that. Only worse.

After no small amount of time, I learned to accept myself and who I became four to five days a month.

***

Some of my favorite werewolf portrayals? None, actually. None. I think they all get it pretty much fundamentally and abysmally wrong. Look, if you were to interview any other werewolf right now, you’d see the same fangs and claws, but you’d learn we are just as normal as you and the viewers. We are not killers.

Sure, we may have larger appetites during a full moon. For example, tonight I plan on consuming two Meat Lovers from Domino’s. But the big difference is I don’t plan to eat you or your PA after the interview. In fact, I find the thought repulsive.

***

What kind of work am I in? Well, I consider myself lucky as I consult for an HR firm that allows me to work mostly from home. I have a PhD, actually, and I specialize in workplace psychology. Now look me dead in my lupine-enhanced eyes and tell me I look like a specialist in workplace psychology. 

Even I can’t believe I do what I do. When I went to college, my original plans were to work in forestry. To be honest, I thought I felt at home there, but after a while I needed more of a challenge. I actually like what I do.

***

How’s my love life? Haha. I knew ya’ll would ask me this. Actually, my fiancé was originally super understanding of who I am. I’m not going to lie. She admitted that after the first full moon, she had a series of nightmares about me chasing her through the house and around the neighborhood, as if I were some rogue Doberman or Rottweiler. 

She soon realized I am not that horrific. Most full moons I stay in and her and I watch reruns of Mythbusters. Sure, I eat about four more bags of popcorn than her, but I mean look at me. I’m a beast. She actually calls me her Big Bad Wolfy.

***

What would I say to all the other wolf pups out there? To the kiddos, all I have to say is to be proud of who you are. You’re not the beast they want you to think you are. In fact, the true monsters are those who make you feel bad about yourself. Don’t listen to those who don’t understand you. 

Live your life. Go to the gym, to the library, to the coffee shop. Go to your friends’ birthday parties, to the school dances. Pretty soon, unlike Hollywood, society will catch up. We all have more love in us than animal. Let the moon bring out the beast and best in you.

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