Former Trump Pseudonyms to Publish ‘October Surprise’ Tell-All Book

In what promises to shake the presidential race to its foundation, three former Donald Trump pseudonyms will soon release a no-holds-barred book about the president. “It’s going to be a beautiful thing, probably the greatest book written since the Bible, maybe,” offered pseudonym David Barron.  “The three of us have worked together for decades and […] The post Former Trump Pseudonyms to Publish ‘October Surprise’ Tell-All Book appeared first on The Lucky Rock.

Former Trump Pseudonyms to Publish ‘October Surprise’ Tell-All Book

In what promises to shake the presidential race to its foundation, three former Donald Trump pseudonyms will soon release a no-holds-barred book about the president.

“It’s going to be a beautiful thing, probably the greatest book written since the Bible, maybe,” offered pseudonym David Barron.  “The three of us have worked together for decades and know everything there is about your favorite president, Donald Trump.”

John Barron

Calling himself a spokesperson with unparalleled access to Trump during the 1980s, pseudonym John Barron enjoyed a front-row view at all times. “If Donald Trump made an incredible real estate deal, I was there,” he bragged. “When he cheated on his wives, I was in bed with him. While he took a crap, I grunted on the toilet along with him.” Barron brushed a tuft of orange hair from his forehead, adding, “Donald Trump has always been smarter than Albert Einstein, more presidential than Abraham Lincoln, and sexier than Gilbert Godfrey, that I can tell you.”

In a rambling diatribe about the ‘Russia hoax’, the ‘impeachment hoax’ and The Atlantic ‘military hoax’, Barron insisted that Trump was unfairly targeted. “Nobody has done more for the military than Trump, because he understands them better than anybody. He knows more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me.”

John Miller

Serving as Donald Trump’s so-called publicist, pseudonym John Miller gushed about the president’s stamina. “He’s a tall, powerful, very stable genius,” Miller asserted. “Much more so than Stupidhead Joe, who doesn’t even know what side of his body his pecker is on. It’s called the front, Joe, it’s called the front.”

Asked about Trump posing as him during a 1991 People interview, Miller deflected the question, asking, “Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad.”

Credit: giphy.com

David Dennison

Pseudonym David Dennison played a critical role during Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign: signing the nondisclosure agreement with porn actress Stormy Daniels. “Fake news,” snapped Dennison when asked to comment about it. “Mr. Trump is far too well-endowed for a porn star to take,” he claimed without evidence. “She wasn’t laughing at his pecker, she was laughing with it.”

Dennison went on to add, “If Trump actually had to pay her $130,000 in order to take a ride, would he give her the beautiful nickname ‘Horseface’ on Twitter?

Book excerpts

In their upcoming Trump tell-all book entitled Belittle Women, Barron, Miller and Dennison capture unfiltered moments in the life of the president, featuring the following ‘ladies man’ excerpt from a Jack in the Box drive-thru during 2018.

Clown’s head (staticky female voice): Welcome to Jack in the Box, may I take your order?

Trump: Hey sweet tits, whaddaya got cooking?

Clown’s head: Pardon me?

Trump: Guess what, mop squeezer — I’m president of the United States. Can you believe that happy horseshit or what?

Clown’s head: Like, ok.

Trump: Gimme a Jumbo Jack, make that four Jumbo Jacks, a large fries, chocolate shake, apple pie and your phone number, babe.

Clown’s head: Umm, I’m 16, sir.

Trump: That’s the age of consent in 34 states.

Clown’s head:  Not this one.

Trump: You’re beautiful. Gimme a call in a couple of years, will ya toots?

Clown’s head: That’ll be $36.80.

October surprise

According to the three authors, Belittle Women will hit the shelves soon and serve to buoy the president during the final weeks of the campaign. “It’ll be a beautiful October surprise,” gloated Barron. “Stupidhead Joe will never see it coming, because he doesn’t even know he’s alive.” With that, Barron, Miller and Dennison shuffled away to watch The Da Vinci Load together in the Oval Office.

Belittle Women is scheduled for release on October 16th, 2020.

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The post Former Trump Pseudonyms to Publish ‘October Surprise’ Tell-All Book appeared first on The Lucky Rock.

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Tried and True Tricks for Surviving the Latest Economic Dumpster Fire

No matter what state the economy is in, someone out there always needs cash, and that someone is always me. Please, don’t tell me to get my GED or learn English as a second language or go to trucking school. Yeah, the people at the unemployment office already tried that to unload me. I have […] The post Tried and True Tricks for Surviving the Latest Economic Dumpster Fire appeared first on Robot Butt.

Tried and True Tricks for Surviving the Latest Economic Dumpster Fire

No matter what state the economy is in, someone out there always needs cash, and that someone is always me.

Please, don’t tell me to get my GED or learn English as a second language or go to trucking school. Yeah, the people at the unemployment office already tried that to unload me. I have two college degrees, already know English, and I’m lucky if I can back up my Buick without plowing over a curb. (That’s why I take two parking spaces, to protect your cars… and my insurance rates.) 

The truth is, I’m a college grad who’s always been paid like I’m a kindergarten dropout, and now I’m a freelance writer/online ambulance chaser/reseller/product tester/blogger pulling down an impressive $15K a year or so.

Which leads me to my tried and true tricks to survive the economy:

Start Your Own Business. Then Start Five More – You’re Going to Need Them.

Yes, I know, it looks like so much fun on Shark Tank. Or those pop-up ads you keep seeing promising to reveal EXCITING WAYS TO MAKE MONEY FROM HOME have caught your eye. Being your own boss sounds cool.

Until you remember you have to pay yourself, and that requires that you actually make money.

I admire anyone who starts their own business, but realistically, most people don’t get on Shark Tank or make very much money. So if you’re going to start one, be sure to start, like five or six more so you can pool the income and maybe make a dent in those bills piling up. It’s like having a bunch of kids because you know you’re going to screw up some of them, but maybe one will turn out all right? Except don’t have kids, they cost a fortune. I can’t even afford myself.

Your side hustle should have a side hustle. Delivering pizzas? Can you deliver for the local cannabis dispensary too? Guessing it won’t take any extra gas money.

Freelance Jobs Aren’t the Answer to Financial Freedom, But You Can Make a Few Bucks.

I’ve been doing freelance work since 2015. Every year rates get lower and clients want more for the money. I frequently get offers for stuff like this:

“I want the highest quality writing, no grammar mitsakes aloud. Content must be one thousand percent original and written backwards in pig Latin. It should perfectly speak to my target audience, who I’ve done no research on whatsoever. For this I am willing to pay $10 for every 10,000 words.”

Or this:

“I need someone to edit my new novel, Hot Balls of Fire, a romantic comedy about devil worship, quilting, child abuse, poetry, and penguins on sex swings. I can only pay you ten dollars for the entire 500,000-word manuscript. However, when it’s a bigger hit than Harry Potter, I will share .00000001 percent of the royalties with you.”

Write That Novel.

But only if you need a hobby. Most authors make less than $10K a year. Many of us make considerably less.

Actually, I’d be thrilled to make $10K a year off my books. So far I haven’t made enough money to pay a freelancer to edit my next book at the going rate of $10/5,000,000 words.

The Market Is Always Changing, and You Must Change With It.

I suggest changing out of your underwear and selling them online to the highest bidder (DON’T WASH THEM), because this is a market that never seems to fizzle out.

I’ve been selling on auction sites for years. I never made what I’d call a living at it, but the last several years, the bottom has really fallen out of the market. I used to sell mostly new bras in large sizes. A few years back, I could go to a clearance sale, buy a particular bra for $5, and resell it for $20-25. Even with free shipping and Feebay fees, I still made $10-15 profit easily. Now? Buyers’ boobs continue to sag, and so do my profits, because no one wants to pay more than $5 (WITH FREE SHIPPING) for a damn bra.

But, there is one used market on reselling sites that’s still going strong: The used shoe market. I don’t mean used shoes still in good condition that someone might want to wear. I mean the trashed shoes you would otherwise throw out.

Why would anyone want those? Well, some people have fetishes, and I don’t judge. Especially when there’s money in it for me!

I recently sold a pair of shoes I would have otherwise thrown out. I’d worn them around the house until there were holes in the soles. Well, I can’t get ten bucks for a new pair of shoes, but I got thirty for these.

But the questions I got within five minutes of listing were… well, interesting. Probably the standout was, “Do these smell like corn chips or more vinegary?”

I… whose feet smell like vinegar? I ultimately decided, after getting half a foot away from the shoes, that the smell probably most closely resembled corn chips, so I went with that.

Another guy wanted me to throw in some tights… that I wore while “having some fun.” Well… if I charge extra it’s like getting paid to masturbate, right? But no way am I throwing that in for free. If I get another question like that in the future, I’m telling them $70 for the whole package. Or should I charge $100? What do you think?

Find a Niche Market You Can Cater To.

There are all sorts of niches in the used panty business. You can probably find someone who gets off on a literal reenactment of that “I shipped my pants” ad. But I think that would be a little too messy to deal with, so I had another idea. For buyers in the Washington, D.C. area, I’ll offer a used pair of panties with a side of golden showers… for an extra $100 and a promise to stop voting for more wealth inequality.

The post Tried and True Tricks for Surviving the Latest Economic Dumpster Fire appeared first on Robot Butt.

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