Greetings From the Variant Attending the Tokyo Olympics!

Hello from Tokyo! Are you excited? I sure as hell am. If they’d held these games a year ago I couldn’t have attended, because I didn’t exist yet. Can’t believe they waited for me. So kind. I haven’t had much time to learn Japanese, except one word: Konnichiwa. Hello to you too, Japan. I wasn’t […] The post Greetings From the Variant Attending the Tokyo Olympics! appeared first on Robot Butt.

Greetings From the Variant Attending the Tokyo Olympics!

Hello from Tokyo! Are you excited? I sure as hell am. If they’d held these games a year ago I couldn’t have attended, because I didn’t exist yet. Can’t believe they waited for me. So kind. I haven’t had much time to learn Japanese, except one word: Konnichiwa. Hello to you too, Japan.

I wasn’t planning to attend because, well, did you see the ticket prices? Before they got scared of me and banned spectators, that is. Now that you can’t buy a ticket, I’m sneaking in, thankfully. I wasn’t sure how I was going to carry a ticket. I’m just a little bugger with no pockets.

Honestly, I’m a bit surprised the Games are happening at all. Kind of reminds me of that killer shark movie where there was no damned way that beach was getting closed on the holiday weekend, uh-uh, we’ll take our chances with that tomato soup-colored water (may contain meat, bone meal, and other byproducts). Works out good for me – hey, wait a minute, that wasn’t very nice, I’m not a killer, I’m not even alive, not really. All I do is spread myself around as many times as I can, like your old boyfriend. Do you call HIM awful names? Oh, yeah, never mind.

Cousins all over the world are tuning in to watch me on TV and see how I do. Inspiring! Officials are taking lots of precautions here so I’m dubious about my chances, but in the spirit of the Olympics, perseverance will be my steadfast teammate. 

Despite my misgivings, I see potential for success. Athletes and coaches scream and cheer. And there’s anthem-singing. Yup, spit everywhere – makes me wanna sing my favorite song, “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head.”

My best opportunity is if they keep using that six-foot spacing that initially got implemented, before better-faster-stronger me arrived. In some countries they’re too lazy to move those “stand here” floor stickers farther apart, and that’s been a boon. Maybe they applied too much Gorilla Glue?

If I’m not busy later on, I’ll file some live reports. But right now I’ve got to go – there’s a room cleaner I need to hitch a ride with. Later we’re going for sushi.

Bye for now,

Delta

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Israeli Forces Invade Vermont in Response to Ben & Jerry’s Decision

Calling it a fitting response to an act of unprovoked aggression, Israeli forces have entered Vermont and are pushing towards the capital of Montpelier. The invasion comes days after Ben & Jerry’s, a Unilever-owned ice cream company based in Burlington, announced that it would no longer sell its products in the West Bank and East The post Israeli Forces Invade Vermont in Response to Ben & Jerry’s Decision appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

Israeli Forces Invade Vermont in Response to Ben & Jerry’s Decision

Calling it a fitting response to an act of unprovoked aggression, Israeli forces have entered Vermont and are pushing towards the capital of Montpelier.

The invasion comes days after Ben & Jerry’s, a Unilever-owned ice cream company based in Burlington, announced that it would no longer sell its products in the West Bank and East Jerusalem.

“I was not bluffing when I promised that this act of aggression by Ben and Jerry would have serious consequences,” Israeli Prime Minister Naftali Bennett told The Mideast Beast. “Our forces will not leave Vermont until Ben, Jerry and all other Vermontinians accept the legitimacy of the Jewish state.”

RELATED: Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream

While IDF officials portrayed the invasion as a defensive move aimed at preventing further attacks, the government has begun settling Israelis in eastern Vermont. Israeli officials said that they are prepared to negotiate a peace treaty with the northeastern US state, as long as Governor Phil Scott is open to mutually agreed upon land swaps.

“We cannot return to the pre-2021 borders, where Israelis lived in fear of attack from radical Vermontinian terrorists,” Foreign Minister Yair Lapid tweeted. “It is the Vermontinians who are the obstacles to peace.”

The post Israeli Forces Invade Vermont in Response to Ben & Jerry’s Decision appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

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