He doesn’t want me. Why?

So you’ve met a guy you really like. It’s so rare for you to meet someone that ticks all your boxes and you’d love to have a relationship with him. The only issue is, he doesn’t want you back! Dang. This one sucks but it... The post He doesn’t want me. Why? appeared first on Dating and Other Stories.

He doesn’t want me. Why?

So you’ve met a guy you really like. It’s so rare for you to meet someone that ticks all your boxes and you’d love to have a relationship with him.

The only issue is, he doesn’t want you back!

Dang. This one sucks but it happens all the time and it goes both ways. It’s that age old phenomenon – the guys who actually like you, you’re not attracted to. Meanwhile when you finally find one you like, you discover that he doesn’t like you.

Unfortunately dating is a bit of a minefield and it’s tough to find a scenario where the feelings are completely mutual. It’s a numbers game, so don’t lose hope.

If you’ve found yourself in a case of unrequited love or you’ve been obsessing over a guy you slept with who doesn’t like you back, just remember what you do want.

A guy who looks at you like you’re the love of his life. A guy who brings out the best in you and wants the best for you. Someone who’ll be there for you through thick and thin. When he comes along, you’ll wonder why you’ll be glad those other guys didn’t want you.

Don’t settle for a situation that makes you unhappy, where you don’t feel loved in return. Stop chasing men who are emotionally unavailable or who don’t reciprocate your feelings.

If he says he doesn’t want to be with you, or his actions suggest he doesn’t, it’s time to step back and let that situation go. Focus on yourself and try to meet new people.

Remember, you can’t change his mind. So many women convince themselves that if they just do or say the right things that they’ll convince the guy to be in a relationship with them. Dating simply doesn’t work like that. In fact, the more you try to convince, the more people run away. Nobody wants to feel pressured or manipulated into a relationship.

If anything, walking away and doing your own thing will make you seem more attractive. What would a high-value woman do? She would know who she is and know there’s something better out there.

If you’re grappling to understand why he doesn’t want you, here are some of the most common reasons why:

Reasons he doesn’t want to be with you

He doesn’t want a relationship with anyone

I once wasted a long time hooking up with a guy and when I finally had the “I want a relationship” talk he said “It’s not about you, I just don’t want a relationship with anybody“. If I’d asked this question right at the beginning then I wouldn’t have even let it get to where it was. While he should have been a lot more forthcoming about that instead of stringing me along, sometimes you just have to ask the right questions straight off the bat.

For those of us spending our lives looking for the right relationship, it can be baffling that there are people out there who simply don’t want a relationship. With anybody.

There are many reasons why a guy might not want a relationship at all. Perhaps they just enjoy their freedom and don’t want to have to answer to anybody. Maybe they want to work on bettering themselves, whether that’s advancing their career, growing their income or just working on their own issues. Some people can see relationships as a distraction from their true path.

Some guys have had bad relationships in the past and they don’t want a repeat of the last one. Perhaps their ex was controlling and never gave them any space. They’ve become jaded and think of having a significant other as a burden.

Men who are divorced sometimes don’t want to get into another relationship because of financial reasons. If the wife for half their assets in a divorce, they may not want to go through it all again with another woman.

Whatever the case may be, if a man doesn’t want a relationship with anyone, don’t try to convince him otherwise. A guy needs to choose to take the risk.

You aren’t a match

Some people bring out the best in each other and some people bring out the worst in each other. Sometimes men are just much more rational at examining compatibility. They start with the sex and the chemistry and as they start to become a little more attached they then ask themselves, “Do I have the same values as this person? Can I see myself being with them indefinitely?”

You may both be great people but the question is, are you compatible with each other?

If you regularly have fights or bicker over little things, he may decide you guys just aren’t going to be compatible in the long run. Even if you don’t fight, there could be all sorts of reasons why he might think you’ll be incompatible. These could include:

  • Spending habits – one of you might spend, while the other is frugal
  • Eating habits – perhaps one of you is vegetarian and the other isn’t. Or maybe one of you likes to eat out all the time and the other would prefer to eat in
  • Different cultures – sometimes cultural/family differences can feel to great
  • Cleanliness – maybe one of you is messy, while the other is ultra tidy
  • Partying/drinking habits – one of you drinks regularly, while the other doesn’t
  • Intelligence – perhaps there’s a lack of intellectual conversation between the two of you
  • Communication styles – one of you is direct and assertive, while the other is passive
  • Goals – maybe one of you wants a house in the suburbs while the other would rather have the city lifestyle

There are aspects of your personality he doesn’t like

Are you the type of person who gets possessive and/or jealous when you’re dating someone? Do you complain a lot instead of having a glass-half-full mentality? Or are you terribly insecure and obsess over every little thing that the guy does or says?

You may just have one or two personality traits that the guy doesn’t like. If you’ve been dumped a lot in the past it’s easy to become insecure about relationships and worry that things will end before they’ve even got off the ground.

Unfortunately, even if you don’t talk about your insecurities, guys can also just sometimes sense them. They can feel that you’re overly invested and the burden of being responsible for your happiness can feel too much for them.

Alternatively, it could be something else. Maybe you’re quite loud and confident he’d prefer someone more calm and gentle. Whatever the case may be, just know that it doesn’t mean you’re not good enough. You may not be good enough for him, but you’ll be good enough for someone else.

Bad timing

When it comes to men and women, one thing I’ve noticed a lot is the issue of timing. Women are often ready for a relationship at any age. For men, on the other hand, sometimes it’s a case of “great girl, wrong time”. Perhaps he’s trying to focus on his career and build his empire. Perhaps he wants to travel the world or live overseas and doesn’t want to deal with a long distance relationship.

While some may argue that a guy will never let a girl go if she’s “the one”, I’ve heard of many instances where men have later felt sad that they let a great girl go but they just knew they weren’t ready to be in a fully committed relationship at that time.

Sometimes it really is a case of bad timing. But don’t hold on to this idea and wait years for someone that may never, ever decide to have a relationship with you. Believe in divine timing and if it’s meant to happen it will happen. Get on with your life, date other people and don’t put all your hopes on him coming around in ten years time.

Conclusion

To summarize, do not waste your time on a guy who doesn’t want you. Don’t get lost in the fantasy of what could be. If he tells you he doesn’t want to be with you, believe him. If he tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, believe what he says.

You may be thinking, “He says he doesn’t want to be with me but he still keeps me around. Why?” Well unfortunately, men do this because of access to sex. That’s the bottom line. Sometimes they just want an ego boost, to feel loved and wanted.

Remember: the actions and the words have to match. That means he has to be spending time with you. He also needs to say he wants to be with you too.

The more time you spend chasing a guy who’s not into you, the more it will eventually erode your self esteem. Remember all your good qualities and know the right guy will appreciate all those things about you. He will like you for who you are and you won’t have to contort yourself into something you’re not.

Don’t fall into the trap of believing that he’s the only one out there for you. How many times have you had a breakup and thought you’ll never find love again, only to meet someone new a few months later? There are lots of men out there who would be willing to have a relationship if the right girl came along. So make sure you are getting out and about as much as possible.

Expand your friend network, say yes to socializing, take up hobbies or even move into a new apartment building…all these things can help you find love when you least expect it.

The post He doesn’t want me. Why? appeared first on Dating and Other Stories.

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“We have so much in common” Or do you?

One of the things you’ll often hear people say when they’re obsessing over someone who doesn’t want a relationship with them is: But, we have so much in common! People often think that because they have the same hobbies or the same taste in music... The post “We have so much in common” Or do you? appeared first on Dating and Other Stories.

“We have so much in common” Or do you?

One of the things you’ll often hear people say when they’re obsessing over someone who doesn’t want a relationship with them is:

But, we have so much in common!

People often think that because they have the same hobbies or the same taste in music that this means the person is perfect for them.

But having a lot in common actually doesn’t mean as much as you think.

Say you both like the outdoors and you both like techno music. I’m sure there are actually tons of people that also like these two things.

You may say well, we’re both also only children and neither of us likes cereal.

But neither of those things actually constitutes a relationship. What actually makes a relationship is things like communication styles, emotional connection and core values.

Don’t get me wrong. It can be beneficial to share certain hobbies. If you both like sailing you may bond over a love of doing that together. You may even meet through doing that particular hobby.

But there are many couples out there that are very happily married who have few actual hobbies or interests in common.

Sometimes people like to have some space and do their hobbies on their own. For example, the guy may be quite happy to go and play golf with his buddies, while his partner goes to a dance class or spends time with the girls.

But what they do have in common is lots of other things, like similar attitudes to money, similar goals in life.

Furthermore, you have to remember that just because from your perspective you have so much in common, doesn’t mean that he also feels you have so much in common. Everyone has their own perspectives, their own realities. He may perceive your relationship totally differently.

There’s a song lyric in the song Young, Dumb & Broke that goes:

“We have so much in common
We argue all the time”

If you guys are often bickering over little things, he may actually feel like the only thing you have in common is that you argue.

What makes a relationship then?

Of course you need the initial things such as chemistry and physical attraction. However, it’s possible to have chemistry and physical attraction with more than one person.

Beyond that you need to have intimacy and a mutual desire to actually have a relationship. There needs to be some sort of reciprocation and you both have to want to know each other on a much deeper level. You both have to be showing up to the table, not just one of you.

If the object of your affection doesn’t have much interest in getting to know you, then it doesn’t matter how much amazing sex you have or how many shared interests you have.

If you like eating out and he likes eating out but he chooses to get dinner with his buddies instead of with you, then it’s not going to blossom into a relationship, even if the two of you are hooking up.

If everything feels one sided, if you feel a constant yearning for a person you like but they’re not showing up in your life, then what’s the point in putting yourself through that?

You may feel an amazing connection or a spark when they show up for five minutes, but if they’re constantly disappearing and leaving you hungry for affection, then it doesn’t matter how much you have in common.

We all know love (and lust) is a powerful drug. Unfortunately, if someone is sleeping with you and then suddenly unavailable, you become an addict just waiting for another hit. At some point it’s better to just cut the drug altogether than to live in a vicious cycle like that.

Too many times people focus on the potential of the relationship and not on what is actually happening. So if you feel like you might be in unrequited love situation, take a step back and ask yourself, “why would I put myself through this?” What would you tell a friend?

At the end of the day, if you’re telling yourself “we have so much in common” while waiting days or weeks for a phone call, then you’re living in the fantasy, not the reality.

Ask yourself, besides interests and hobbies, what do you actually know about the person? Have you seen them at their worst? Have you spent enough time with them to really know them or are you just getting the highlight reel?

Often people will only display the best versions of themselves. I know a fair few guys who people would describe as a “nice guy” but they’re not that nice to the girls they date.

Having a true sense of intimacy requires a time investment. It requires seeing each other in lots of different lights. It involves honest communication and not avoiding the difficult topics.

So far I’ve mainly been referring to casual dating situations. On the other flip side of this, you may be in a situation where you spend all of your time with the person but you’re not romantically involved. You have a platonic friendship, but you have feelings for the other person. While you may have a lot in common, there’s one thing you don’t have in common: physical attraction.

If you sense that the attraction isn’t reciprocated, then you have to either accept the relationship as is (ie. a platonic friendship) or limit your time with that person. However it’s always best to have a conversation with the person to establish whether there are mutual feelings there.

Conclusion

Bottom line of all this is that it takes a lot more than having things in common. The questions you have to ask yourself are things like:

  • Do we both want to spend time together?
  • Do we both want a relationship?
  • How do we feel about having children?
  • Do we have similar values?

If you value honesty and the other person lies a lot, then you don’t share that value. If you value communication and the other person ignores your texts instead of communicating a simple “no”, then you don’t share that value. If you value consistency but the other person disappears and reappears all the time, then you don’t share that value. If you value kindness but the other person is rude to staff in restaurants, then you don’t share that value.

In other words, you actually don’t have a lot in common at all.

The key takeaway from all this is to establish what your core values are. Establish your boundaries and what you will and won’t accept. Then ask yourself the question, “do we have a lot in common?”

The post “We have so much in common” Or do you? appeared first on Dating and Other Stories.

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