I Meant to Give A Romantic Kiss, Not a Dementor’s Kiss

Hoo boy. This is a bad one. Being a Dementor is hard. I really was planning on giving out a romantic kiss and not the Dementor’s Kiss, I swear. I’m telling you, it’s a common mistake to mix up the two.   Although now I’m being told even an unwanted regular kiss is something that’s frowned […] The post I Meant to Give A Romantic Kiss, Not a Dementor’s Kiss appeared first on Robot Butt.

I Meant to Give A Romantic Kiss, Not a Dementor’s Kiss

Hoo boy. This is a bad one. Being a Dementor is hard. I really was planning on giving out a romantic kiss and not the Dementor’s Kiss, I swear. I’m telling you, it’s a common mistake to mix up the two.  

Although now I’m being told even an unwanted regular kiss is something that’s frowned upon. Seriously though, it’s getting harder and harder for a Dementor to do their job. 

The stress of being a Dementor is unimaginable. Here I thought I was improving the image of us by giving out a romantic kiss. But, you never know how a supposedly routine Dementor situation will turn out. That’s why you have to be prepared and rely on your many years of training under your belt. Or cloak, so to speak. 

Administering a Dementor’s Kiss is a complicated process. For me to perform it, I have to pull back my hood, clamp my jaw around the victim’s mouth, and then consume his or her soul. If I want to perform a romantic kiss instead, I need to pull back my hood, clamp my jaw around the victim’s mouth and NOT consume his or her soul. So you can see how much of a challenge this can be in a tense situation. 

Everyone’s an expert until it happens to them. 

I don’t think the answer is more training, though. We don’t need it. Many of us were practically born into this line of work and come from a long line of Dementors who’ve been wearing cloaks for most of their lives, so it comes naturally for us. 

It’s true that the Dementor’s Kiss is normally reserved for the most heinous of crimes, like escaping from Azkaban. In this situation, though, I just forgot to not do the soul-sucking part. 

Actually, I don’t understand why people act all jittery and scared when a Dementor is barking out orders. It’s not like we’re unapproachable or have a history of committing horrifying acts. Sure, we create a freezing atmosphere, have frightening bony features, and hover above the ground like we’re constantly judging you, but honestly we’re just here to protect and serve. 

To be frank, it’s too simple to put all the blame on me. If I were to put my strong, clammy hands around your neck and bring you close enough to where you could smell my putrid breath until you began to hear the death screams of your loved ones, the best thing for you to do is remain calm and follow instructions. 

I’m not here to say this wasn’t a tragic event. Just look at what I’ve already had to go through. I quit my job. I’ve had to put barricades around my home. I may even have to live with the soul I’ve consumed. Isn’t that enough? 

I’d like to say I’m only human, but, well, you know. 

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Stacey Abrams Declares Self Israeli Prime Minister

With Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu failing to form his right-wing government, former Georgia state legislator Stacey Abrams has declared herself the new premiere and has started to form her cabinet. Abrams, who was not on any ballot and has never been to Israel, insisted that she would have been unanimously elected if not for The post Stacey Abrams Declares Self Israeli Prime Minister appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

Stacey Abrams Declares Self Israeli Prime Minister

With Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu failing to form his right-wing government, former Georgia state legislator Stacey Abrams has declared herself the new premiere and has started to form her cabinet.

Abrams, who was not on any ballot and has never been to Israel, insisted that she would have been unanimously elected if not for blatant voter suppression.

“These Israelis would have voted for me if not for all these racists laws that kept me off the ballot,” Abrams explained. “Not only does Israel require a photo ID to vote, but to run for office in Israel, you have to live in or be a citizen of the county. Talk about Jim Crow!”

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Abrams said that she had called Israeli President Reuven Rivlin and pre-emptively accepted his mandate to start putting together a coalition.

“It’s going to be tough to serve as Prime Minister of Israel when I’m already busy as governor of Georgia,” Abrams said. “But I believe I will be an effective leader and will successfully negotiate a peace deal with Palestinian leadership. Unless, in the highly unlikely event, they rig their elections too.”

The post Stacey Abrams Declares Self Israeli Prime Minister appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

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