I’m an Epidemiologist and This Is How I’ve Been Spending My Bribes From the Coronavirus Conspiracy

I make a decent living as an epidemiologist, but this year has been especially good to me. As many of you have probably learned from your uncle’s Facebook posts, I’m receiving a generous bonus courtesy of a clandestine international cabal, all in exchange for my role in the conspiracy that is the coronavirus. Here’s how […] The post I’m an Epidemiologist and This Is How I’ve Been Spending My Bribes From the Coronavirus Conspiracy appeared first on Robot Butt.

I’m an Epidemiologist and This Is How I’ve Been Spending My Bribes From the Coronavirus Conspiracy

I make a decent living as an epidemiologist, but this year has been especially good to me. As many of you have probably learned from your uncle’s Facebook posts, I’m receiving a generous bonus courtesy of a clandestine international cabal, all in exchange for my role in the conspiracy that is the coronavirus.

Here’s how I’ve been spending that money.

First of all, I’ve had a lot of expenses to cover. Everyone thinks about all the money I must be making but no one considers the expenses. The thing about being a stooge for global conspiracists is that it’s a freelance job. I need to pay all my expenses out of pocket.

I’ve got a crew of doctors, nurses, and other front-line healthcare workers that are all getting a cut of my take. They say everyone has a price. People who have selflessly dedicated their life’s work to helping others have a really high price. Getting doctors to swap their Hippocratic Oath for a Mephistophelean Oath – that’s been my single biggest cost. 

And then there are the crisis actors. Every friend, neighbor or family member you know who’s contracted coronavirus, that’s a crisis actor! With the latest surges, I’ve got thousands of crisis actors on payroll. The Hollywood elites are in on the conspiracy, but they’re too recognizable. Fortunately, with studios being shut down, there are a lot of bit players willing to work for scale.

Everyone knows that the liberal media is in the pocket of the global conspiracy. But people assume that CNN and MSNBC spread lies out of their own malevolence. I wish it was so easy. The truth is, fake news costs money. I’ve had to personally pay journalists to plant stories and give me airtime as an “expert in the field of epidemiology.” And it’s incredibly expensive when you’re competing against other conspiracy groups like the people behind Pizzagate or the Wayfair child trafficking ring.

One of the things I didn’t anticipate was the cost of supplies. I expected to cover the cost of fake testing, but I didn’t anticipate how much the nose microchips would set me back. I’m told the second generation microchips will be even more expensive because they need to be small enough to administer via the bogus vaccines, so I’m setting aside more for that.

When all the major expenses are paid and my taxes are remitted I’ll have something in the mid-five figures left for myself. It’s not a lot, I know. But for me, it’s not just about the money. I really believe in the goals of this clandestine organization hellbent on controlling the world’s population. That’s why I chose my field.

I’ll probably pay down some of my student debt and take my family on a little vacation. My kids have been great about playing along with this and I promised them I’d take them to Disney World. Now that we’ve successfully lowered the crowd size with fears of a fake virus, we’ll be able to enjoy a Disney vacation without the stress of trying to book a Fast Pass for Frozen Ever After.

Finally,  I’m going to invest anything I have left for my retirement. One of the old-timer NASA conspirators who faked the moon landing once told me, “Don’t spend like there’ll be another conspiracy just around the corner. Make it last.” I’ve enjoyed this fake pandemic, but the next one could be years away. I’m going to need to put money away now if I want to retire by 65. 

The post I’m an Epidemiologist and This Is How I’ve Been Spending My Bribes From the Coronavirus Conspiracy appeared first on Robot Butt.

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Israel Hands Off Jerusalem Administrative Duties to Erdogan

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has once again found himself at the center of a controversy, as comments made during a recent policy speech have forced the Turkish government to take over all administrative duties for the Israeli city of Jerusalem. Israeli officials ecstatically handed over control after Erdogan told Turkish lawmakers that “Jerusalem is The post Israel Hands Off Jerusalem Administrative Duties to Erdogan appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

Israel Hands Off Jerusalem Administrative Duties to Erdogan

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has once again found himself at the center of a controversy, as comments made during a recent policy speech have forced the Turkish government to take over all administrative duties for the Israeli city of Jerusalem.

Israeli officials ecstatically handed over control after Erdogan told Turkish lawmakers that “Jerusalem is our city,” an apparent reference to Ottoman rule. But Jerusalem Mayor Moshe Lion quickly took him up on the offer, demanding that Erdogan provide law enforcement, street cleaning, and all other services for the city of nearly one million people.

“Let him try to get the ultra-orthodox to social distance, the Leftists to stop protesting, and the Arabs and the settlers to stop stabbing each other,” Lions said. “He’ll find out pretty quickly that it’s not all fun and jihad.”

Erdogan was initially excited that Israel acquiesced to his demand and quickly turned the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, where Jesus is said to have been buried, into a mosque. But he soon came to regret the acquisition.

“The Haredi keep bugging me day and night. ‘Hey Recep, we need more money. Hey Recep, there was a woman on my bus today. Hey Recep, I heard you used an electric toothbrush on the Sabbath,” an exasperated Erdogan complained. “And I never would have asked for Jerusalem if I knew they had  too!”

The post Israel Hands Off Jerusalem Administrative Duties to Erdogan appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

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