It’s the Weekend and This Man’s Ready to Rage Against the Microwave, Baby

You think a suburban stiff doesn’t know how to party in the kitchen? That it’s all Lean Cuisines, Smart Choice, and Amy’s Light and Lean? No way, Jose Ole! When the workweek ends, the cooking party begins. I’m talking serious business. First, I set the mood with my ’80s mix on my music app. Nothing […] The post It’s the Weekend and This Man’s Ready to Rage Against the Microwave, Baby appeared first on Robot Butt.

It’s the Weekend and This Man’s Ready to Rage Against the Microwave, Baby

You think a suburban stiff doesn’t know how to party in the kitchen? That it’s all Lean Cuisines, Smart Choice, and Amy’s Light and Lean? No way, Jose Ole! When the workweek ends, the cooking party begins. I’m talking serious business.

First, I set the mood with my ’80s mix on my music app. Nothing tops Tina Turner’s “The Best” when you’re defrosting cauliflower rice in a lightly oiled Costco pan. Oh yeah, baby, you better believe I get my hips swingin’. I just feel the beat, feel the rhythm, and in no way – and I repeat, in no way – do I even look at the microwave.

Save that stuff for the time-crunched workweek.

Yep, it’s all pots, pans, mix-bowls and digital mixtapes from dusk till dawn on Sats and Suns. You may catch me wearing my go-to GOT apron that says “Dinner Is Coming” or my Spider-Man oven mitts, spreading a little pseudo-gossamer on those turkey-sausage stuffed bell peppers. I will even venture outside – can you believe it? The barbecue doesn’t just sit forlorn in a corner 364 days a year. I frequently use this puppy on these two sacred days, where that infernal machine, that abysmal appliance, that humming humdrum remains a boycotted symbol of the droll monotony of heated preservatives.

Why even use the microwave at all, you ask? Everyone can be guilty of sacrificing quality for convenience, and let’s face it – Monday through Friday is just one big zombie-thon where it’s all smoke and mirrors, a thin veneer of us thriving before collapsing the moment we close our front doors. Besides, the luscious meals I conjure on these most hallowed days are part-meal-prep for the week. So I’m raging with a purpose.

The party is just getting started when I pump up the ’80s jams. I even use my largest souvenir Montana mug as an echo chamber for my iPhone jukebox (not too loud – don’t wanna wake the kids, or neighbors before they start their symphony of morning mowers). You’ll find me sautéing, you’ll find me filletin’, prancing like a maestro. Sure, I’m no Bobby Flay or Rachel Ray, but in this sanctuary I sure do slay.

Give me veggies – I’ll steam, I’ll grill, I’ll bake. Give me proteins – I’ll char, I’ll caramelize, I’ll pulverize. The results of this exotic dance, this precious weekly pastime, are exquisite and delicious, if I do say so myself. The fam likes my cookin’ and so do I. And during these special times, I really do feel like a rebel, a nonconformist, an innovative creator. Yeah, that’s right – give two days, a kitchen, and a few cooking accessories for this suburban warrior, and I’ll rage, baby.

I’ll rage so hard against that microwave.

The post It’s the Weekend and This Man’s Ready to Rage Against the Microwave, Baby appeared first on Robot Butt.

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White Girl Totally “Gets” Middle Eastern Culture After Trip to Dubai

“The Israel-Palestinian conflict really has no simple solution. Like, the West Bank kinda belongs to both Jews and Muslims,” Stacey Roberts of Burlington, Minnesota tells her Syrian hairstylist. And Stacey knows all about the Middle East – she just got back from Dubai. In July, Stacey and her BFF, Stacy, decided to visit Dubai after The post White Girl Totally “Gets” Middle Eastern Culture After Trip to Dubai appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

White Girl Totally “Gets” Middle Eastern Culture After Trip to Dubai

“The Israel-Palestinian conflict really has no simple solution. Like, the West Bank kinda belongs to both Jews and Muslims,” Stacey Roberts of Burlington, Minnesota tells her Syrian hairstylist. And Stacey knows all about the Middle East – she just got back from Dubai.

In July, Stacey and her BFF, Stacy, decided to visit Dubai after seeing it on “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Their trip took them to the exotic Hilton Hotel where they dined on local cuisine at Wolfgang Puck’s “CUT” restaurant. After taking an elevator to the top of the Burj Khalifa and riding a waterslide through an aquarium, Stacey returned to the U.S. with a newfound understanding of Middle Eastern culture and conflicts. Stacey, who according to Instagram went indoor skydiving and took a photo with a camel, says she now understands why it’s so difficult to install stable leaders in toppled Middle Eastern theocracies.

Reflecting on her view from the Burj Khalifa, Stacey said, “I could see out past the city to the desert, and I couldn’t help but think, the terrorists are hiding out there somewhere.” But after donning an authentic hijab (or was it a burqa? Stacey always gets them confused), to tour the Grand Mosque for $45, Stacey came to appreciate the religion of Islam and the art it inspires. Art like the Aladdin’s lamp keychain she bought at the gift shop.

Upon returning to Minnesota, she shared her new insights with her sorority sisters over brunch. “Islam is a very complex and beautiful religion,” Stacey explains. “Most of them are peaceful, but some are extremists. There are bad Muslims, like those Taliban guys that attacked us, but then there are good Muslims, like those Taliban guys that helped us.” She then shocked her friends by revealing that “Most of those dudes you see with turbans are actually Sikh.”

The post White Girl Totally “Gets” Middle Eastern Culture After Trip to Dubai appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

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