James Bond Can’t Seem to Kill Me Despite Shooting at Me at the Start of All His Movies

I would like to clear the air and make a bold claim that I have been sitting on for quite some time now. Secret agent and pop culture icon James Bond can’t be that good at killing people. I know, who am I to possibly make such an accusation? Well, that’s the thing – he […] The post James Bond Can’t Seem to Kill Me Despite Shooting at Me at the Start of All His Movies appeared first on Robot Butt.

James Bond Can’t Seem to Kill Me Despite Shooting at Me at the Start of All His Movies

I would like to clear the air and make a bold claim that I have been sitting on for quite some time now. Secret agent and pop culture icon James Bond can’t be that good at killing people. I know, who am I to possibly make such an accusation? Well, that’s the thing – he has shot his sidearm directly at me to start every movie he has ever been in, and he hasn’t hit me a single time.

I’m bringing this up now because the whole ordeal has gone from terrifying, to annoying, to flat-out sad. At first, the planning and execution of an attempt on my life seemed genius and genuinely caught me off-guard. I was sitting comfortably in a theater, preparing to watch one of the many films based on Bond’s adventures, when the man himself waltzed out to center frame and fired his iconic Walther PPK right at me. 

I couldn’t believe it. I thought it was the end. Britain’s most ruthless killer set his sights on me, just a teenager at the time, but then, after the gunshot rang out, I patted myself down and nothing. I noticed blood pouring down the screen, so I do worry that he may have unintentionally hit a bystander near me, or possibly a camera person right off screen, but the blood was not mine. I checked many times. 

I thought at first I may not have been his target after all; then he tried again… and again. Sometimes in the theater, sometimes in my home, one time on a flight. Seemingly anytime I sat back to relax with a blockbuster film that featured him, agent 007 walked out and fired. I’ll add that he has often been wearing a nice suit and doing a casual strut, overall behaving way too confidently for a guy who has now missed his mark an amount of times in the double digits.

I’d also like to point out how incredibly inconsiderate the whole thing is. I’m publicly supporting Bond and his exploits by choosing to watch these films, then he shoots his gun right at me. Unbelievably disrespectful. Just a few years ago when I was at the theater to see Spectre, Bond pulled his usual and the shot blasted my bucket of popcorn right out of my hands. I wasn’t injured or anything, but theater popcorn is expensive! 

I know it is bad form to openly discuss a government agency’s failings, but the British Secret Intelligence Service may want to consider less of a focus on making an ink pen that can create a force field and instead retool their basic firearms training, because supposed top agent 007 has now discharged his weapon at me twenty-four times without landing a single shot. 

Honestly though, more than it is violent or rude, it’s sad. What does it mean for future MI6 operations if their best guy can’t seem to kill me, a satire writer who hasn’t been in a gym since it was a high school requirement? To put this bluntly, he should be able to kill me easily. I’m literally the most unsuspecting person he’s ever dealt with. I’ve stopped while crossing busy streets to tie my shoes while wearing flip flops. Why am I still alive? 

Okay, I’m flying off the handle a little bit. I obviously don’t want James Bond to kill me. My intention here isn’t to encourage or antagonize him. I just want to shed some light on his incompetence so that maybe the organization he works for can better their agents as a whole in the future. If the movies about them are even a little realistic, then the real world will need top spies ready to save it. Speaking of which, isn’t there a new Bond movie coming out soon? Maybe I should get tickets to that.

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Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 63 Virgins in Paradise

Calling it a shocking example of what she referred to as the “Virgin Gap,” a female suicide bomber who recently blew up a school bus was stunned to learn that she would only receive 82 percent of the virgins that male terrorists are entitled to upon entering paradise. “I blew up that school bus just The post Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 63 Virgins in Paradise appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 63 Virgins in Paradise

Calling it a shocking example of what she referred to as the “Virgin Gap,” a female suicide bomber who recently blew up a school bus was stunned to learn that she would only receive 82 percent of the virgins that male terrorists are entitled to upon entering paradise.

“I blew up that school bus just as well as any heroic male martyr would have, but instead of the 72 virgins the Quran promises us, I only got 63,” said Hayat al-Boomi, who targeted a group of Shiite children in Baghdad on behalf of ISIS. “I never imagined I’d be treated this way because of my gender.”

RELATED: Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

With a growing number of women carrying out suicide attacks for ISIS, the Virgin Gap has become a problem for the ever-dwindling Islamic State. The caliph without a caliphate, Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi, has promised legislation to address the issue, but in the meantime the disparity has cost ISIS some of its left-wing supporters.

“While I applaud ISIS for its positions on Israel, the United States, the West in general, and capitalism, I cannot actively support them until they address their Arab male privilege,” former UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn stated. “The fact that a woman can blow up a school bus full of young children and be compensated less than her male colleagues is, frankly, unconscionable.”

The post Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 63 Virgins in Paradise appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

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