PM’s family history side-trip confirms Morrison was created during a brainstorming session at a Sydney advertising agency

Initially the plan was to create a prototype for the quintessen­tial ‘fair-dinkum Aussie Dad’. But after a few beers, the ad creatives thought it would be more fun to make him a dick­head.

PM’s family history side-trip confirms Morrison was created during a brainstorming session at a Sydney advertising agency

A family history side-trip during the G7 summit in England has confirmed that Prime Minister Scott Morrison was created during a brainstorming session at a Sydney advertising agency in the late 1990s.

Family research experts say initially the plan was to create a prototype for the quintessen­tial ‘fair-dinkum Aussie Dad’. But after a few beers, the ad creatives thought it would be more fun to make him a dick­head. No-one knows where the weird Christian bit came from.

Early career

Further research can reveal that after spending thirty years as a regional salesman at a small photocopy distributor, Morrison became head of Tourism Australia. He oversaw the ‘Where The Bloody Hell Are You?’ campaign, widely regarded as one of the least successful in the organisation’s history.

The campaign showed that Morrison lacked judgment, pos­sessed questionable money-management skills and had a tendency to misread the mood of the nation. The Liberal Party snapped him up immediately.

Political career

Morrison entered parliament in 2007 and was moved to the shadow front bench a year later. But it was in 2012, when Tony Abbott chose Morrison to implement his ‘stop the boats’ policy, that the member for Cook’s political career really took off. Having so successfully stopped people coming to Australia during his time as head of Tourism Australia, Morrison was considered the perfect man for the job.

In what was to become one of the most effective campaigns to dissuade asylum seekers, Morrison organised the ‘Where The Bloody Hell Are You?’ campaign to be shown in the Mid­dle East, Africa and South East Asia. The flow of people to Australia immediately dried up.

After 13 months as Immigration Minister, Morrison moved to a new role as Social Services Minister. Morrison said that after months working with asylum seekers, it was nice to be working with humans again.

In one of his first speeches as Social Services Minister Morrison said he wanted to search the sewage of welfare recipients to see if he could find traces of drugs. Close friends at the time said it was the clearest sign yet that Morrison’s drug addiction was spiralling out of control.

In 2017 Morrison famously brought what appeared to be a piece of coal into question time, passing it around to fascinated colleagues. It was later confirmed to be Rupert Murdoch.

In August 2018 Morrison defeated Peter Dutton in a leadership spill to become Prime Minister. Wanting to bring a bit of gravitas to the role, Morrison immediately started wearing board shorts and surfing caps.

Personal life

Scott Morrison is a member of the Assemblies of God Church. Services are known to include speaking in tongues, where a simple English phrase like ‘Love thy neighbour as thyself’ can be translated as ‘use thy neighbour’s place as a prison to lock up small children’.

This is an excerpt from an article that originally appeared in The Shovel’s 2019 Election Guide

Source : The Shovel More   

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Fuck, This Guy Again

“Lock up your small dogs and update your employee relationships policies"

Fuck, This Guy Again

‘Here we fucking go again’, the nation has sighed, following the announcement a drunk, shouty, dog-murdering Kiwi in an Akubra has re-emerged as the second most powerful person in the country.

“Lock up your small dogs and update your employee relationships policies, Barnaby is back,” a spokesperson for the nation said.

“Just when I’d managed to erase from my memory the image of a sweaty Barnaby Joyce having sex in his office with a staffer while wearing nothing but his RM Williams, here he is again ready to tell me all about it.

“Guaranteed by the end of the day we’ll have a press release, a double-page feature article and a TV special with Barnaby giving us an update, then telling us he wants us out of his private life.

“It’s only a matter of time before we get some phone-video rant saying he wants the government out of his life, forgetting he is the actual government.

“And I guess now he’ll start his tour across the country lecturing us about family values while having an affair. It’s all so fucking exhausting.

“At least the other guy was so ineffective we never had to hear from him”.

The nation’s dogs were also on high alert, making sure their papers were in order.

Source : The Shovel More   

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