Steve Bannon Granted Bail After Agreeing to Bathe Before Trial

Add the Prince of Darkness to the long list of former Trump associates in legal trouble. During his bail hearing, Steve Bannon made hot water a literal condition by agreeing to bathe at least once before his trail. “I’m pleased to announce that my client has been granted bail,” said attorney Saul Goodman to a […] The post Steve Bannon Granted Bail After Agreeing to Bathe Before Trial appeared first on The Lucky Rock.

Steve Bannon Granted Bail After Agreeing to Bathe Before Trial

Add the Prince of Darkness to the long list of former Trump associates in legal trouble. During his bail hearing, Steve Bannon made hot water a literal condition by agreeing to bathe at least once before his trail.

“I’m pleased to announce that my client has been granted bail,” said attorney Saul Goodman to a cadre of reporters. “Mr. Bannon must produce $1.7 million in bond collateral, restrict his travel, and perhaps most importantly, take a bath.”

The best people

During his 2016 presidential run, then-candidate Donald Trump infamously promised to surround himself with the best people if elected. Bannon — who hadn’t bathed in decades — served as campaign chairman in the latter stage of of the race. “Who cares that he doesn’t shower,” offered Trump at the time. “I pay him to win, not to waste water.”

After being fired in August, 2017 for making negative comments about administration officials, the narrative changed. “Bannon stunk worse than a hobo’s butthole,” confided senior advisor Jared Kushner. “He smelled like dog puke all day, every day. It got to the point that during cabinet meetings, we had him sit inside a trash can so that the waft of garbage masked the stench.”

Bannon versus Trump

After enjoying a close relationship with Trump — including watching Legally Boned together during security briefings — their relationship shattered in the wake of Bannon’s dismissal. “I worked with Steve Bannon for a very short period of time,” claimed the president. “He was a disaster as campaign chairman. I don’t know much about him, but from what people tell me, he was a total loser.”

Asked about his bathing habits, Trump ranted about his personal hygiene. “He stunk to high heaven,” snapped the president. “He smelled worse than hooker pee on a Russian bed. And he looked like a fat, stupid Columbo played by a homeless Michael Douglas.”

The arrest

Bannon was arrested by Federal agents while on the luxury yacht of exiled Chinese dissident Guo Wengui. According to court documents, Wengui and Bannon were engaged in a heated argument regarding the former Republican strategist’s foul body odor when Postal Inspection Service agents rappelled from Black Hawk helicopters and captured him.

Credit: giphy.com

“Mission Command, this is Victor Bravo Four. The subject is down,” read the official post office transcript of the moment of capture. “Target smells like ass.”

In custody after having been read his rights, Bannon consented to a mandatory strip search but refused a post-arrest shower. “That’s goddamn history on me,” he reportedly explained. “Sweat, blood, hooker fluids, semen, and much, much more. No way am I letting the Deep State Post Office scrape that off me.”

Looking like a disheveled, portly Michael Douglas, Steve Bannon addresses an audience after posting bail. Credit: Elekes Andor / CC BY-SA (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)

Bail conditions

During Thursday’s preliminary hearing, Bannon pleaded innocent and negotiated with the judge over his bail conditions.

“We agreed with the judge that my client would post $1.7 million in cash or real estate collateral to secure his bond,” recounted Goodman. “There were a few other minor restrictions, including travel and limitations on porn, and we got through those rather quickly. But the big battle came when he ordered Mr. Bannon to take a bath before trial.” Goodman ran his fingers through his hair. “My client became completely unglued, shouting about QAnon and the Deep State and other right wing fever swamp crap that Trump associates traffic in.”

Goodman held up an index finger. “Just when I thought we weren’t going to make bail, suddenly, the lights came on in Mr. Bannon’s eyes,” he said. “He suddenly quit arguing and consented to the order.”

The last laugh

Leaving the courthouse, a visibly-pleased Bannon broke into a wide grin. Asked why he seemed happy about the outcome of the hearing, he replied, “The judge said I had to bathe, but he didn’t say in what.” Eyeing the throng of reporters, he added with a wink, “Let’s just say there’s a lake of fire with my name all over it.”

Like us on Facebook for humorous memes, videos and — of course — satire!

 

The post Steve Bannon Granted Bail After Agreeing to Bathe Before Trial appeared first on The Lucky Rock.

Source : The Lucky Rock More   

What's Your Reaction?

like
0
dislike
0
love
0
funny
0
angry
0
sad
0
wow
0

Next Article

Morrison introduces ‘No Jab, No Negative Gearing’ vaccination policy, to encourage take-up amongst supporters

"All types of government welfare are included"

Morrison introduces ‘No Jab, No Negative Gearing’ vaccination policy, to encourage take-up amongst supporters

In response to questions about how a mandatory COVID-19 vaccination would be enforced, Scott Morrison today announced a ‘No Jab, No Negative Gearing’ policy, which would require people to get immunised against the virus before they could write off their investment property.

“Australians love nothing more than negatively gearing houses,” a spokesperson for the program said. “All those fuckers whinging about their ‘freedoms’ or ‘the risk of autism’ will change their mind pretty quickly when they realise there’s tax free cash on the line”.

The ‘No Jab, No Negative Gearing’ policy forms part of a broader ‘JabKeeper’ program which would require all those reliant on government welfare – including mining magnates, politicians, property investors and franking credit recipients – to become vaccinated.

“All I’m asking is for rich people to function like the self-centred pricks they are,” Mr Morrison said, in a direct appeal to his constituents.  

“If you’re paying overprice for a reno on your brother’s ABN to fraudulently value-add to your third investment property. If you’re a lowly multinational, syphoning millions of funds through an elaborate shelf company offshore. Or if you just want your taxable income to be zeroed out as usual, no problems, I’m here for you. Just get vaccinated first”.

Source : The Shovel More   

This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse the site you are agreeing to our use of cookies.