The biggest bombshells from Elizabeth Warren’s memoir ‘Persist’

BOSTON, MA – Senator Elizabeth Warren has released her third memoir and 12th book overall, Persist. In the memoir, a copy of which was obtained by BeetPress, Warren acknowledged publicly – now […] The post The biggest bombshells from Elizabeth Warren’s memoir ‘Persist’ appeared first on BeetPress Satire.

The biggest bombshells from Elizabeth Warren’s memoir ‘Persist’

BOSTON, MA – Senator Elizabeth Warren has released her third memoir and 12th book overall, Persist. In the memoir, a copy of which was obtained by BeetPress, Warren acknowledged publicly – now months later – that maybe she “wasn’t good enough” for American voters to win the 2020 democratic primary. Here are some other shocking revelations from Warren’s new memoir.

  • Persisted just long enough to ruin Bernie Sanders’ chances for the nomination
  • Big, structural changes made by Warren and husband Bruce Mann to a Massachusetts investment property resulted in the building being condemned by the city of Charlestown
  • Is actually only 1/4 Cherokee
  • Claims that a Bernie Bro once kicked Bailey
  • Jacob Wohl accusation that she once flew a 24-year old Marine-turned-escort she had met on the website www.cowboys4angels.com to Massachusetts to participate in sadomasochist ritualistic sex that left the former Marine permanently scarred is in fact true. 
  • Likes taking selfies
  • Made up the whole story about Bernie Sanders telling her that a woman can’t be president in a desperate attempt to slow Sanders’s momentum in the 2020 Democratic Primaries and bolster her own flailing campaign 
  • Still aspires to not be chosen for Vice President in 2024

The post The biggest bombshells from Elizabeth Warren’s memoir ‘Persist’ appeared first on BeetPress Satire.

Source : Beet Press More   

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US Supreme Court to Decide Where Jerusalem Is

JERUSALEM — Officials in Jerusalem say the city is in the midst of an existential crisis. Not because of former US President Trump’s decision to move the US embassy, or the recent violent clashes in the Old City, or the crazy foreigners who dress like Jesus and roam the streets. Rather, they found out that The post US Supreme Court to Decide Where Jerusalem Is appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

US Supreme Court to Decide Where Jerusalem Is

JERUSALEM — Officials in Jerusalem say the city is in the midst of an existential crisis. Not because of former US President Trump’s decision to move the US embassy, or the recent violent clashes in the Old City, or the crazy foreigners who dress like Jesus and roam the streets. Rather, they found out that it will take a decision of the US Supreme Court to decide where in the world the city is positioned.

“We were happy just ticking along and getting things done until we found out that there was a case going before the US Supreme Court to decide whether this kid could have ‘Jerusalem, Israel’ on his passport,” one official told The Mideast Beast.

“To be honest, up until then we hadn’t ever thought about it. After all, international mail has always arrived and tourists seem to know how to get here – so we didn’t see it as a problem,” he continued.

“But this has blown our minds Apparently the US State Department doesn’t know if we’re in Israel or Palestine or Outer Fucking Mongolia. That’s pretty serious,” the official added.

Officials in the city are concerned that they will now have to wait on a decision from the top US judges to decide where they are. “It’s pretty important to us,” another official said. “We’ve had to set aside a budget in case we need to change all the local government stationery and get the phones redirected.”

There are worries that the notoriously oddball US Supreme Court may decide that Jerusalem isn’t anywhere in order to keep the hippy dippy liberals in the State Department happy. “What happens then,” asked local Israeli hipster poet Tomer Saha, “What happens if I’m travelling through an airport when the judges reach a decision? I don’t want to end up like Tom Hanks in that box-office bomb of a Hollywood movie.”

Who knew Israel and the Palestinians rely so much on the United States?

The post US Supreme Court to Decide Where Jerusalem Is appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

Source : The Mideast Beast More   

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