Trump Claims Victory Over Coronavirus After Declaring War on Bats

Blaming China for the coronavirus pandemic, President Trump issued an executive order declaring war on bats and making them illegal in the United States and its territories. The order was signed following a short Oval Office ceremony on Tuesday. “I’m a wartime president, and we’re now at war with the bats,” announced a triumphant Trump […] The post Trump Claims Victory Over Coronavirus After Declaring War on Bats appeared first on The Lucky Rock.

Trump Claims Victory Over Coronavirus After Declaring War on Bats

Blaming China for the coronavirus pandemic, President Trump issued an executive order declaring war on bats and making them illegal in the United States and its territories. The order was signed following a short Oval Office ceremony on Tuesday.

Trump shows off his big brain. Credit: giphy.com

“I’m a wartime president, and we’re now at war with the bats,” announced a triumphant Trump moments after signing Executive Order 13909. “Bats are now totally illegal in our country.”

‘Eat bunnies, not bats’

Trump’s order came after perpetual screw up-turned-coronavirus-expert Jared Kushner turned in a report blaming China for the pandemic. Specifically, Kushner concluded that McBat sandwiches served at over 2,000 Chinese McDonald’s were the source of the disease.

A leaked excerpt from the report:

Dude, if you eat eat bats you’re gonna suffer the consequences. They’re stringy and gross and there’s like no way you’re not going to become ill after chowing one down. Have you ever boofed a beer without hurling? It’s the same thing when eating a bat — you’re going to get sick! That’s what happened to the Chinese idiots who ate those sandwiches, and now they’ve sneezed all over the rest of the world. Stupid Chinese.

“Jared’s done a fantastic job figuring how who to blame for this disease,” crowed Trump. “For us to not have thousands of Chinese and then millions of regular people sick in our country, we need to kill the bats. All of them. The do-nothing Democrats want to save the bats and hate America.” Trump sniffed deeply before concluding, “Where’s Hunter Biden?”

bats
President Trump, offering new anti-coronavirus slogan: “Eat bunnies, not bats.” The White House from Washington, DC / Public domain

Addressing individuals who prefer eating exotic animals, Trump said, “Eat whatever the hell you want, except for bats. There are plenty of other wild animals, ok?” Asked to suggest alternatives, he responded, “How about horses, frogs, and rabbits, just for starters? In fact, that’s our new anti-coronavirus slogan: Eat bunnies, not bats.”

Press conference

Following the ceremony, the president took questions on the White House lawn while the engines of Marine One roared in the background.

Peter Baker of The New York Times shouted, “Mr. President, is it true that you’ve ordered the CDC to use Windex in the fight against the virus?” Trump nodded his head in agreement. “Look, Windex cures everything. Everything! People are saying that, lots of people have said that it works beautifully. I call it big, beautiful Windex, that I can tell you.”

After Trump paused his rambling, CNN’s Kaitlan Collins chimed in. “Mr. President, why would you stand on a balcony next to the Easter Bunny and talk about eating rabbits? Aren’t those terrible optics for America’s children to see?” Trump glared at her and replied, “That’s a very nasty question. You’re hot, but not quite hot enough to grab by the bunny.” He looked away in disgust. “Next question!”

Batmen

bats
A death squad of batmen will be charged with eradicating the bats. Credit: pexels.com

The president indicated that Kushner will assemble a bat force charged with eradicating all bats in the United States. “I think it’s a fantastic idea,” he gushed. “Not only will we create thousands of jobs hiring batmen, but with all the schools closed, we can pull money from education to pay for it and finish the wall while we’re at it. By the time we’re done, we’ll make the wall so high and so powerful that neither bats, coronavirus nor Mexicans can get over it.”

Asked what would come of the millions of bat carcasses as a result of the initiative, Trump offered a smirk. “I’m a businessman, so we’ll make money selling the meat to other countries, believe me.” He paused, thinking it over. “People are saying the Chinese love to eat them.”

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The Congo Sends Troops, Witch Doctors to U.S. to Restore Order

Deeming it a matter of national security, the Congo has sent thousands of troops and witch doctors to the United States. The militia took positions in cities across America while witch doctors began treating caronavirus-afflicted patients. “We felt we must act quickly,” explained Congolese president Félix Tshisekedi. “The disease threatens to overwhelm America, which apparently […] The post The Congo Sends Troops, Witch Doctors to U.S. to Restore Order appeared first on The Lucky Rock.

The Congo Sends Troops, Witch Doctors to U.S. to Restore Order

Deeming it a matter of national security, the Congo has sent thousands of troops and witch doctors to the United States. The militia took positions in cities across America while witch doctors began treating caronavirus-afflicted patients.

“We felt we must act quickly,” explained Congolese president Félix Tshisekedi. “The disease threatens to overwhelm America, which apparently is overrun with bats. After that, it could board a plane, land in the Congo, ride a mule and end up at my hut, where I might eat it.” He licked his lips. “For my protection and that of the Congo, we have sent military and humanitarian aid to the Great Satan.”

The Congo is battle-tested

Tshisekedi said he believed the Congo is uniquely qualified to assist the U.S., which has allegedly mismanaged the epidemic.

“We’ve been fighting infectious diseases for hundreds of years,” he offered matter-of-factly, lighting a cigarette. “HIV, Ebola, Malaria, toenail fungus, swamp ass, crotch rot and many other terrible illnesses. Our witch doctors will ju·ju dance, perform voodoo and use leeches to fight the coronavirus.” He took a drag, exhaling slowly. “Leeches — that’s some pretty good shit right there, man.”

The Congolese leader touted his military as a key part of the Congo’s two-pronged strategy. “Every few years we’re in another idiotic war with someone nobody’s ever heard of,” he grumped. “The last one was the Kamwina Nsapu rebellion, whatever the fuck that was.”

Snuffing out his cigarette, he added, “However, all those conflicts have toughened our conscripted militia, at least the ones that weren’t hacked to death. Thus, we are qualified to keep the peace in America’s cities while we occupy their land.”

Calling it a matter of national security, militia sent by the Congo patrol the streets of Seattle. Credit: MONUSCO Photos / CC BY-SA (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)

Efforts to form a coalition

Before acting unilaterally, Tshisekedi indicated that he first tried assembling a peacekeeping force of African nations.

“There were many problems,” he confessed. “For starters, all the countries keep changing their names, which makes it very difficult to use speed dial.” He ticked examples off on his fingers. “Burma is now Myanmar, Rhodesia became Zimbabwe, and for some reason, I changed us from Zaire to the Congo.”

The Congolese president snapped his fingers. “Oh yes, and then there is Swaziland, which is now called eSwatini. Why? Because — you’re not going to believe this shit — people confused it with Switzerland.” He shook his head in disbelief. “Seriously.”

Africa hates Africa

A second, bigger problem was the fact that African nations detest one another. “Take Swaziland, eSwatini, whatever the fuck it’s called today,” he said grimly. “They almost went to war with Mozambique arguing whose flag is stupider.”

The diplomatic incident was sparked by President Nyusi’s remarks during his keynote speech at the 2019 Stupidest Flags of Africa conference in the children’s play area of the Mbabane, Swaziland McDonalds. Addressing the eleven conference attendees, Nyusi railed against the Swazi flag, calling it ‘a testicle skewered by spears’.

These Swazis, I just cannot understand. They call themselves “bakaNgwane” which one can barely say and no one can spell. Why is the N capitalized? That is just wrong! And that flag, that horrible, terrible flag. It looks like a testicle skewered by spears. What are those three blue patches, Smurf pubic hair? Their flag is very stupid, much stupider than ours!

Raising his hand in salute, Tshisekedi pointed to the Congolese flag atop the Kinshasa Institute for the Criminally Insane and whistled with admiration. “It’s almost as good as porn!”

Congo
The Congo’s flag is boring. Credit: Nightstallion / Public domain

Timetable for departure

Assuming the occupation force doesn’t overthrow the U.S. government, Tshisekedi felt troops wouldn’t leave for months. “If spring break partiers keep ejaculating all over one other, this may take a while,” he said, a wry smile crossing his face.

The president offered a glimmer of hope. “On the other hand, leeches are truly magical,” he breathed, a starry look in his eyes. “They give the phrase ‘you suck’ a whole new meaning.”

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