Trump Proposes Delaying Election Until ‘Statue of Lamentations’ Expires

Having already suggested delaying the general election, President Trump now has a date in mind: August 2, 2022. With Universal Mail-In Voting (not Absentee Voting, which is good), 2020 will be the most INACCURATE & FRAUDULENT Election in history. It will be a great embarrassment to the USA. Delay the Election until people can properly, […] The post Trump Proposes Delaying Election Until ‘Statue of Lamentations’ Expires appeared first on The Lucky Rock.

Trump Proposes Delaying Election Until ‘Statue of Lamentations’ Expires

Having already suggested delaying the general election, President Trump now has a date in mind: August 2, 2022.

“Why not?” said a defiant Trump to a throng of reporters on the White House lawn. “As everyone knows, we’re doing an incredible job with the economy and the China Virus. A fantastic job, the likes of which no one has ever seen before.” Trump sniffed deeply. “Our internal polling shows me leading by one hundred points among all Trump voters. A hundred percent! And yet, the dishonest, unfair LameStream media refuses to report that.”

Asked to clarify his suggestion to delay the election, Trump’s tone grew dark. “Voting by mail will be the greatest disaster in American history,” he claimed baselessly. “Bigger than Shaving Ryan’s Privates or Done in Sixty Seconds, and much, much bigger than, you know, everything else that’s ever happened to our country.”

The president’s orange pancake makeup began to run as rivulets of sweat dripped in the summer heat. “Although we’ve totally defeated the China Virus, we can’t let Stupidhead Joe and the left wing mob steal the election. We can’t allow that to happen or we won’t have a country. Our country will be totally and completely destroyed,” he declared. “Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together … mass hysteria!”

Credit: giphy.com

Trump summed up his message by appealing directly to his base. “Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of presidential elections until Joe Biden probably dies or is in a nursing home.” He looked up, nodding his head. “And many people are telling me that will be on August 2nd, 2022.”

Election delay

Upon hearing the president’s suggested date, a frenzy of reporters shouting questions about its relevancy. “Quiet down, haters and losers,” he admonished. “Quite down. Look, it all started with the fake news Michael Cohen thing. Michael was rightfully convicted for paying his own money for no reason to a woman I’ve never heard of before.” Trump waggled his finger for emphasis. “I’ve never masturbated to her incredible movie Sex Door Neighbors, that I can tell you.”

Trump wiped a smear of orange goo from his forehead. “The fake news check I didn’t write is dated August 1, 2017,” he pointed out. “As the Bible teaches us, after five years the statue of lamentations on Michael’s criminal action runs out. That means on August 2, 2022 the country can finally put it behind us and the presidential election can safely and securely be held.”

Donald Trump’s ‘fake news’ check started the statute of limitations clock. Credit: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

Reporters react

As expected, the announcement generated a flood of shouted questions. “Mr. President, aren’t you hoping to postpone losing to former Vice President Biden so that you remain shielded from prosecution by the Southern District of New York?” asked ABC’s Jonathan Karl. “I’ve never heard of Biden, I don’t know the man,” Trump shrugged. “People tell me he’s a Never Trumper.”

Called upon next, Fox News’ John Roberts said, “Mr. President, you do know the term is statute of limitations, don’t you?” Mistaking the Fox correspondent for his judicial namesake, an irritated Trump responded, “You stick to the LameSpreme Court and I’ll run the country, ok?”

Don Jr. to the rescue

Seeing his father struggle with coherence on live television, slightly-less-stupid-than-Eric son Don Jr. took a page out of the Trump playbook by tweeting a distracting non-sequitur. Unfortunately for the ignorant prima donna, a legion of Twitter users subsequently owned him on social media.

Like us on Facebook for humorous memes, videos and — of course — satire!

The post Trump Proposes Delaying Election Until ‘Statue of Lamentations’ Expires appeared first on The Lucky Rock.

Source : The Lucky Rock More   

What's Your Reaction?

like
0
dislike
0
love
0
funny
0
angry
0
sad
0
wow
0

Next Article

Biden makes VP choice

WILMINGTON, DE – After weeks of speculation, presidential nominee Joe Biden has finally made a decision about the vice presidential nominee that will join him at the top of the ticket in […] The post Biden makes VP choice appeared first on BeetPress Satire.

Biden makes VP choice

WILMINGTON, DE – After weeks of speculation, presidential nominee Joe Biden has finally made a decision about the vice presidential nominee that will join him at the top of the ticket in November.

“We’ve been poring over an extensive list of highly qualified candidates for vice president, and we’re excited to announce that we’ve made a decision,” said Biden communication director Kate Bedingfield, adding “this person encapsulates all of the qualities we were looking for, and will add a ton of excitement to our campaign.”

According to sources, Biden has been considering several women of color for the job, including Kamala Harris, Susan Rice, Tammy Duckworth, and Karen Bass. However, rumors have circulated that Biden may choose Elizabeth Warren in an effort to consolidate the support of progressives around his campaign.

“This must have been a tough choice for Biden, but I’m confident that he made the right decision,” said Biden supporter Heidi Rosenblum. “There’s valid concern about Biden’s age and ability to govern the nation for the next four years, so his choice for vice must be ready to step in to the presidency on day one.”

Although he planned to announce his decision on August 1st, the Biden campaign issued a statement late Saturday that he needed a little more time to ensure that he had made the correct choice.

“Trust me, it was worth the wait, and we have every confidence that this candidate will garner much needed enthusiasm as we head into the general election,” said Bedingfield. “Our top priority is defeating Trump in November, and I think this is the ticket that’s going to push us over the edge in terms of the popular vote, and the electoral college vote. This won’t be a repeat of 2016.”

This article is part one of a two-part series. Please stay tuned for part two, which will be published on Saturday, August 8th.

The post Biden makes VP choice appeared first on BeetPress Satire.

Source : Beet Press More   

This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse the site you are agreeing to our use of cookies.