UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for rockets striking Israel since the group’s fighters were on ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protesters yesterday, Hamas must be excused for firing rockets into Israeli neighborhoods The post UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for rockets striking Israel since the group’s fighters were on ambien when they fired them.

“While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protesters yesterday, Hamas must be excused for firing rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,” a statement from the UN Human Rights Council declared. “It was a Friday night and they were Ambien firing.”

The council also defended the militant group’s founding charter, including passages saying that the day of judgement will only come when Muslims kill all the Jews.

RELATED: ‘I Was on Ambien When I Ate the Bat’ Wuhan Wet Market Customer Admits

“Clearly, these less conciliatory passages were written while Hamas was on Ambien,” former UNHCR Commissioner Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein said. “They were Ambien chartering.”

While blasting the UN’s conclusions, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu urged prosecutors in Israel to drop corruption charges against him and his wife, as any use of public money for personal benefit took place while the couple was on Ambien. “We’re not corrupt, we’re just idiots“, Netanyahu said.

The post UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

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CIA Announces It Will Fight Terrorists with Hashtags Instead of Drone Strikes

After releasing a new ad highlighting the agency’s progressive credentials, the CIA announced that it will no longer target enemies through espionage, drone strikes and assassinations but will instead focus on the battlefield of Twitter with viral hashtags and devastating clapbacks. The change in strategy comes as the agency looks to boost its recruitment among The post CIA Announces It Will Fight Terrorists with Hashtags Instead of Drone Strikes appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

CIA Announces It Will Fight Terrorists with Hashtags Instead of Drone Strikes

After releasing a new ad highlighting the agency’s progressive credentials, the CIA announced that it will no longer target enemies through espionage, drone strikes and assassinations but will instead focus on the battlefield of Twitter with viral hashtags and devastating clapbacks.

The change in strategy comes as the agency looks to boost its recruitment among millennials, who are less likely to have foreign language skills or military experience but display far greater ability to spend hours arguing on the internet with strangers.

“ISIS ???? SHOULD ???? STOP ???? BEHEADING ???? YAZIDIS” one Tweet issued by the CIA on Thursday read.

Another stated:

“KIM JONG UN SHOULD ACCEPT DEMOCRACY!

KIM JONG UN SHOULD ACCEPT DEMOCRACY!

KIM JONG UN SHOULD ACCEPT DEMOCRACY!

KIM JONG UN SHOULD ACCEPT DEMOCRACY!

KIM JONG UN SHOULD ACCEPT DEMOCRACY!”

The tweets have so far seemed militarily ineffective, as both ISIS and the Taliban regained territory in Syria and Afghanistan, respectively, after blocking the CIA on Twitter. But newly appointed CIA Director Robin DiAngelo says the new strategy is already showing results.

“In its latest execution videos, we have seen members of the Somali terror group Al-Shabaab renounce their cisgender male privilege, while an al Qaeda suicide bomber is believed to have yelled ‘Black Lives Matter!’ before detonating his explosive vest at a kindergarten,” DiAngelo said. “We are finally winning the war on terror.”

The post CIA Announces It Will Fight Terrorists with Hashtags Instead of Drone Strikes appeared first on The Mideast Beast.

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