“We have so much in common” Or do you?

One of the things you’ll often hear people say when they’re obsessing over someone who doesn’t want a relationship with them is: But, we have so much in common! People often think that because they have the same hobbies or the same taste in music... The post “We have so much in common” Or do you? appeared first on Dating and Other Stories.

“We have so much in common” Or do you?

One of the things you’ll often hear people say when they’re obsessing over someone who doesn’t want a relationship with them is:

But, we have so much in common!

People often think that because they have the same hobbies or the same taste in music that this means the person is perfect for them.

But having a lot in common actually doesn’t mean as much as you think.

Say you both like the outdoors and you both like techno music. I’m sure there are actually tons of people that also like these two things.

You may say well, we’re both also only children and neither of us likes cereal.

But neither of those things actually constitutes a relationship. What actually makes a relationship is things like communication styles, emotional connection and core values.

Don’t get me wrong. It can be beneficial to share certain hobbies. If you both like sailing you may bond over a love of doing that together. You may even meet through doing that particular hobby.

But there are many couples out there that are very happily married who have few actual hobbies or interests in common.

Sometimes people like to have some space and do their hobbies on their own. For example, the guy may be quite happy to go and play golf with his buddies, while his partner goes to a dance class or spends time with the girls.

But what they do have in common is lots of other things, like similar attitudes to money, similar goals in life.

Furthermore, you have to remember that just because from your perspective you have so much in common, doesn’t mean that he also feels you have so much in common. Everyone has their own perspectives, their own realities. He may perceive your relationship totally differently.

There’s a song lyric in the song Young, Dumb & Broke that goes:

“We have so much in common
We argue all the time”

If you guys are often bickering over little things, he may actually feel like the only thing you have in common is that you argue.

What makes a relationship then?

Of course you need the initial things such as chemistry and physical attraction. However, it’s possible to have chemistry and physical attraction with more than one person.

Beyond that you need to have intimacy and a mutual desire to actually have a relationship. There needs to be some sort of reciprocation and you both have to want to know each other on a much deeper level. You both have to be showing up to the table, not just one of you.

If the object of your affection doesn’t have much interest in getting to know you, then it doesn’t matter how much amazing sex you have or how many shared interests you have.

If you like eating out and he likes eating out but he chooses to get dinner with his buddies instead of with you, then it’s not going to blossom into a relationship, even if the two of you are hooking up.

If everything feels one sided, if you feel a constant yearning for a person you like but they’re not showing up in your life, then what’s the point in putting yourself through that?

You may feel an amazing connection or a spark when they show up for five minutes, but if they’re constantly disappearing and leaving you hungry for affection, then it doesn’t matter how much you have in common.

We all know love (and lust) is a powerful drug. Unfortunately, if someone is sleeping with you and then suddenly unavailable, you become an addict just waiting for another hit. At some point it’s better to just cut the drug altogether than to live in a vicious cycle like that.

Too many times people focus on the potential of the relationship and not on what is actually happening. So if you feel like you might be in unrequited love situation, take a step back and ask yourself, “why would I put myself through this?” What would you tell a friend?

At the end of the day, if you’re telling yourself “we have so much in common” while waiting days or weeks for a phone call, then you’re living in the fantasy, not the reality.

Ask yourself, besides interests and hobbies, what do you actually know about the person? Have you seen them at their worst? Have you spent enough time with them to really know them or are you just getting the highlight reel?

Often people will only display the best versions of themselves. I know a fair few guys who people would describe as a “nice guy” but they’re not that nice to the girls they date.

Having a true sense of intimacy requires a time investment. It requires seeing each other in lots of different lights. It involves honest communication and not avoiding the difficult topics.

So far I’ve mainly been referring to casual dating situations. On the other flip side of this, you may be in a situation where you spend all of your time with the person but you’re not romantically involved. You have a platonic friendship, but you have feelings for the other person. While you may have a lot in common, there’s one thing you don’t have in common: physical attraction.

If you sense that the attraction isn’t reciprocated, then you have to either accept the relationship as is (ie. a platonic friendship) or limit your time with that person. However it’s always best to have a conversation with the person to establish whether there are mutual feelings there.

Conclusion

Bottom line of all this is that it takes a lot more than having things in common. The questions you have to ask yourself are things like:

  • Do we both want to spend time together?
  • Do we both want a relationship?
  • How do we feel about having children?
  • Do we have similar values?

If you value honesty and the other person lies a lot, then you don’t share that value. If you value communication and the other person ignores your texts instead of communicating a simple “no”, then you don’t share that value. If you value consistency but the other person disappears and reappears all the time, then you don’t share that value. If you value kindness but the other person is rude to staff in restaurants, then you don’t share that value.

In other words, you actually don’t have a lot in common at all.

The key takeaway from all this is to establish what your core values are. Establish your boundaries and what you will and won’t accept. Then ask yourself the question, “do we have a lot in common?”

The post “We have so much in common” Or do you? appeared first on Dating and Other Stories.

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6 Powerful Dating Mindsets for Women

Do you want to maximise your love life and build confidence? Dating in this day and age has become something that a lot of... The post 6 Powerful Dating Mindsets for Women appeared first on The Dating Directory.

6 Powerful Dating Mindsets for Women

Do you want to maximise your love life and build confidence?

Dating in this day and age has become something that a lot of us struggle with, especially if we’re going into our thirties.

It seems that millennial women are really starting to feel that dating has become exhausting.

What I want to do is, I want to give you six powerful mindsets to have around dating so that you feel that dating is smart, not hard and that you’re actually getting somewhere with the effort that you’re putting in.

 Understand the power of love education of neuroscience, and how to be able to set you up to be able to date successfully so it leads to a lasting and loving relationship.

That’s why in this blog, I wanted to share more about mindsets rather than little practical tips, like what to text him and stuff, because the mindset is a huge part of what ultimately sets you up to be able to receive a loving relationship that you were deserving of. 

Before I jump into those mindsets, don’t forget to subscribe on my youtube channel, give me a thumbs up and drop thanks, Renee 

1. Powerful mindset shift: Ask yourself, how do I feel about this person, and do I like them?

A lot of the time I’ve seen women go on dates and they’re constantly questioning themselves, their worth, and where they fit into that man’s life. Does he like me? How does he think about me? Will I hear from him again?

What we need to do is we need to flip that, we need to get out of that victim mentality and we need to take our power back and start asking, well, do I actually like them?

How do I feel when I’m with them? 

Change your mindset from vulnerable to secure

This isn’t about ego or entitlement or thinking that you’re better than them. All it’s doing is giving you a sense of control and also a sense of accountability because ultimately, who you date is your choice.

If you’re constantly choosing to date someone that makes you feel like crap or leaves you guessing, then, unfortunately, you’re actually choosing that.

We need to make sure that you’re in a position to be making decisions from a place of wisdom because you’ve actually questioned how you feel about that person when you’re with them. 



2. Powerful mindset shift : Ask yourself, am I dateable?

This is a huge thing I did when I went through my own transition of breaking a ten-year toxic cycle. Meeting my future husband four months later, getting married, and having the relationship that I always deserved.

I got to a point where I realized maybe it’s just not the men that I’m dating.

Maybe there’s something that I’m actually doing to contribute to the problems and maybe I’m not a very dateable woman. 

Being an undateable woman doesn’t mean that you are broken or that there’s something wrong with you.

All it means is that there are some areas that you could be working on in order to be a more high-value partner or more high-value date.

Don’t stress. I’ve actually done a guide on this. What I’ll do is I’ll link it here.

>>Are Your Datable Free Guide and Quiz? <<

3. Powerful mindset shift: There is an abundance of high-quality men who want to commit to you

Ladies, this is really key. If you keep going out there thinking that no men want to commit, that all men are toxic.

Guess what?

That’s what you’re going to see and that is what you are going to receive. We live in a world with literally billions of people.

You’re probably in a city with thousands, if not millions of eligible, incredible men. Just because he hasn’t fallen into your lap does not mean that he doesn’t exist. 



Powerful mindset shift from lack to abundance

A key thing is, whatever you focus on is what you receive and what you see.

Your brain doesn’t know the difference between what you tell it to look for and what it has experienced in the past.

If you’re telling it to only go off, there are no men available, all the men are players, no one wants to commit, well, then that’s what it’s going to look for.

However, if you’re telling it, there are amazing men out there who are handsome, who have chemistry, who want to commit to me, your brain is going to literally start looking for those men and evidence of those men existing.

So ask yourself, what mindset are you in right now? Is it one of lack or is it one of abundance? 

4. Powerful mindset shift :Your status, your past, and even your present are not your identity

If you are somebody who has had trauma in your past, maybe you’ve gone through a divorce, difficult relationships, difficult childhood, and you feel like that is a scar that you wear.

You need to be careful that you’re not actually making that a part of who you are when you’re in a relationship.

I’m not saying that you need to have this mental and emotional makeover, that you need to be completely healed, we are all a work in progress. However, don’t necessarily take your past and your emotions on as your identity.

You may feel anxiety, it doesn’t mean that you are an anxious person who will never find love.

You may have gone through depression, it doesn’t mean that you are somebody who is chronically depressed and will never experience love.

We need to separate our who from our do.

Our identity is from what has been done to us or what we have experienced in the past.

Receiving love into your life and setting yourself up to date from a place of abundance is really understanding who you want your true identity to be, speaking that over yourself, doing whatever work you can to make it a reality, instead of just wishing it would happen.

In order for me to get to a point where I was able to finally meet my husband and have the relationship that I wanted, I had to do the work for myself.

I had to take accountability.

Change a couple of things that I thought, things that I was speaking over myself, but what a world of difference that made, not only to my own self-esteem and my confidence, but it actually completely changed the dating world for me, because all of a sudden I attracted more high-quality dates.

I had the confidence to be able to set the standard that I needed to set and then I met my incredible husband who was everything that I ever wanted. 

5.  Powerful mindset shift : Love is easy

I receive it. I do not hunt it down. Maybe that is an affirmation that you want to print out and put on your wall.

We are in a generation or in a time in history where we have this stigma attached to dating.

It’s really difficult and really hard because we have access to all these different apps and resources, yet divorce is rampant and relationships are falling apart.

People feel like it’s become something really hard because the dynamics of dating have changed. 



We’re starting to create this narrative that love is something that’s really difficult, but it isn’t meant to be like that.

Dating shouldn’t be something that exhausts you.

We need to make sure that we’re telling our brain and our spirit what we want the truth to be and what we know the truth can be, and that is love is easy.

I don’t go out and chase it, strive for it. I actually sit back and receive it and allow it to come into my life.

Then what we want to do is after we’ve spoken these words over ourselves daily, we want to make sure that we have actions that actually match it as well. 

Whether it is not constantly texting that guy back, because you realize by doing that, you’re trying to chase down love, or whether it is putting your walls down to be able to let love in because you realize that there is some sort of vulnerability that comes with starting a relationship.

6. Powerful mindset shift :Dating is a process, it shouldn’t be a project

Some of you ladies love to turn this whole dating journey, let’s say, into a project. Who can I fix? What do I need to fix about myself?

It becomes this constant development of either trying to fix the man or fix yourself and it turns out to be really exhausting. You get love burnout. You get personal development burnout.

Or you basically get into toxic relationships.

Dating is a process. It’s a process of character assessment. There are certain things that you should be doing in certain stages to set yourself up.

This is why dating smart instead of dating hard is really key. You may think, okay, there isn’t a method to be able to date a certain way.

We should just know what to do. But the truth is we don’t. Unless we’re taught, we don’t really know what to do. Hence why we really struggle with love. There is a method. There is the strategy to actually date smart.

I’ve got a whole entire course on it, in fact. I’ll link it down below.

>>Breakthrough in your love life in 30 days<<

There is a way to do this so it feels like you’re actually making your effort equal results instead of just pouring your effort into everything and never getting anywhere. 

 

 

The post 6 Powerful Dating Mindsets for Women appeared first on The Dating Directory.

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